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Kids in a Candy Store
While settling into the new DaGFFL Newsletter digs, relocated to a town so small and parochial it could easily be mistaken for Mayberry R.F.D. (ironically, the real-life town that inspired the fictional Mayberry is only a Barney Fife pratfall away), your Ever-Lovin' Kommishioners office has come to realize that the state of North Carolina suffers from a severe lack of anything Denver Bronco-ish.
"Oh sure", you say, voice dripping with sarcasm, "the former Kommish office in Reno was not exactly plugged into the heart of Broncoland". But ahah, respond we Kommisioners, after we have mocked you severely for talking to yourself, Reno may be far from Denver and more than a little tawdry, heartless, and otherwise lacking in value, yet it is chock-full of sports bars and betting parlors stocking the very latest in television coverage of all things NFL including Our Very Own Much-Beloved Broncos.
North Carolina, on the other hand, is chock-full of natural beauty and rural pastoralness and all kinds of adds-value-to-life items yet few sports bars and zero sports books.
But this sad tale of woe has a happy ending: NFL Sunday Ticket! Yes, your High-and-Mighty™ Kommishioners have sold out and bought into the monopolistic DirectTV product beaming every second of every game; from geo-stationary orbit 23,000 miles over Texas directly into our own personal viewing device!
We all know that DirectTV is 700 channels of nothing to watch, and the remote control does look like an advanced alien sex toy, but so what? Over 42 hours of NFL action per week not including commercials! Now we can scrutinize our starting kicker in action even though he's on a team so woebegone we'd normally be lucky to see his name in print in the game boxscore! We can root for whoever is playing the Raiders, no matter where or what time zone they may be! We can berate officials in games we don't care about at all!
In a particularly brilliant programming master stroke, there's even a channel that does nothing all day Sunday except jump to whatever game has a team in the red zone at that particular moment. It's a fantasy footballer's wet dream! (and perhaps a clue that the remote really is an advanced alien sex toy after all).
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Sunday Ticket is as close to Heaven as your DaGFFL Kommish office is likely to ever get. With a deep sigh of satisfaction, we tear ourselves away from the non-stop NFL action, reluctantly turning our attention back to more worldly matters: Live, from Deep In the Heart of Dixie and with DirectTV remote control clutched suggestively in one hand*, it's the Weak 4 Newsletter! Ta Da!
We needed a free hand to type. That's just gross. Get your mind out of the gutter.
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Big Foot: the Motion Picture
Long long ago, during a football season far far away, a series of great awards were given out to worthy contenders, each valiantly vying for the valuable honors, sacrificing all in the quest for greatness.
| | Sebastian Janikowski out for a night of club hoppin'
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Meanwhile, back in DaGFFL, we gave out assorted valueless oddities to people who were at best dimly aware of the fact they were even in a contest.
In keeping with tradition, we announce this season's opening salvo of Seemingly Senseless Awards™: The BigFoot award! This almost-coveted title goes to the team from each conference with the highest scoring starting Kicker during NFL Week 5.
Unlike the vast majority of DaGFFL No-Prizes, this one comes close to being worth winning as it is traditionally accompanied by alchohol! Yay! So get out out there and Start Your Kickers!
Seeming Senseless Awards™ Redux
As will be remembered by both of you who read this drivel each season we embark on a season-long quest to distribute useless items from thrift stores in a mindless task that we lovingly call, Seemingly Senseless Awards™.
This week, since there is no guarantee that we’ll have another newsletter this season, we’re pulling out all the stops and commencing with these frivolities. In addition to the Big Foot, weak 5 also gives us the highly-contested, almost-but-not-quite-sought-after “Heinie Kins' Award™” This fabulous No Prize* is awarded to the teams from each conference that scored the most bench points. So get out there and bench those players!
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HOLY INFLAMATION BATMAN!
That's two Seemingly Senseless Awards™ in one week!
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The Part That Actually Matters
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The days of summer have passed us by and with no warning the fall has descended upon us like a drunk cheerleader on the star quarterback… our wake up call at the Dive Inn in Toowomba, Nebraska was late and we, your ever Kommisch Office, were Rumplstilsking ourselves back to consciousness, well aware of missing the first three newsletters of the season. What we worry? You ask us if we had lemons and we respond by making double strength, high-top margaritas… so with our further a-do or another round of chips and salsa, we of your-ever-so-clever-if-not-punctual-Kommisch Office offer to you…
Our 2005 Third-of-the-Way Season Analysis! Ta! Da!
Boy, doesn’t that make you want to move a bowel or two?
In the Tasty But Still Good For You Caddy Conference…
We start with the leaders of the oft-misunderstood Ferengi Divison who practically overnight have become the conference bully. Yes, oh gridiron groupies, it’s true. Once tabbed in League Lore as the Division That No One Wanted to Win, the Ferengi has risen to the top to take a demanding 13-12 lead over rival, but still very fetching in black leather, Romulan Division.
At this third-of-the-way milestone, we find league dominatrix and proactive punisher, Disciplinary Action, naturally on top of all their bitches with a studded 6-1 record that can make even the most stalwart leather goddess flush with excitement. Just behind in second place, but way too small for them to whip, are the Biological Badboys of Bad News Bacteria, who have infected the Caddy Con with a 4-3 record.
Over topping the Romulan Division, even better than the real thing, is Bono’s Kuckoos Nest, who have arranged Sunday Bloody Sunday for five teams thus far this season while dismantling an atomic bomb for fun and profit as well as a 5-2 record. Behind the Boy Band on Social Security, but still not beaten with a lot of football left to be viewed with maximum lethargy, are all of the 3-4 teams that make up the majority of the Conference contenders. Viewing them from left to right on your web site page are the Boomers, who sooner would die than be anything else; blowing in from a recent Bourbon Street appearance are the Crimson Erection of Red Storm Rising; maintaining league security is our league’s very own super secret society of KAOS Unlimited; and finally at the very same 3-4 record are the Calculating Corpses of Body Count who are not about to lie down during the task at hand.
At the almost-midseason-stripe, we find two teams struggling valiantly to stay in the mix with 2-5 records: first, there’s the formerly pretty in pink, but-yet-to-change-their-name, until recently known as Molly Ringwald Fan Club; accompanied by now lonely “pretty in pink society” founding member and all around very cute in taffeta shoulder pads, the Prancing Pigskin Pansies. We hope that any identity crisis-es will be solved by our exciting mid season issue at a DaFFL web site near you soon (we can only hope).
Last but certainly last, are the Rudimentary Rich Guys of Highly Paid Dumb Guys who seem confused about how the scoring system works…hey coach, you need to score MORE points than the other teams to win…yes…that’s it… MORE points, yes…yes, more than two, yes…the BIGGER number counts…okay?
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The Moronic Millionaires can be consoled that their 1-6 start is not the worst week fore record in league history, as our (on) crack histerical research staff has uncovered that that dubious distinction is held by three teams who in past years have gone winless by this leg of the season. To avoid embarrassment, they will not be named here (they are Walking Wounded, Maximum Debasement Before Death (now known as Disciplinary Action) and the F’ing Koalas-your every sneaky newsletter editor’s assistant) but all of the 3 teams in question started with a combined record of 0-15 after weak 4.
In the Tastes Great, But Less Filling Rolls Royce Conference
The race is tight, the women are loose and the humor non-existent in the Rolls Con!
We begin by pointing out the glaring lack of parity between the two divisions in this conference. The Feds are leading the Klingons by a hefty 14-7 margin. Oh my! Doesn’t the Klingon code of honor require some sort of intestinal rearranging if this keeps up?
Speaking of the “We come in peace…shoot to kill, shoot to kill!” Federation Conference, we have a very tight race for first place in the Division as well as the Conference between those Active Aliens of Players From Pluto & the Swashbuckling Sycopaths of Macs Maniac Marauders. They each boast a stellar if not gaudy 6-1 record plus a trail of disintegrated and hacked up (respectively) corpses behind them. Not giving in to these two stalwart gridders, are the Morgue-bound Macaws of X-Norwegian Blues who collapse into a tie for second place in the division with a 5-2 record. On the other end of that aforementioned tie are the Twisted Twins, A.S. PsyKlones who have SURPRISED everyone by actually being in a division race this deep into the season. Perhaps we can credit their new coach and therapist, Coach Viagra for their recent upturn.
Following these stellar squads is the team voted most likely to hump a football, the Mashing Marsupials of F’ing Koalas, boasting a 3-4 season thus far. This season the Frolicking Furballs seem to be rebounding from last year’s 8-15 regular season record with a new enthusiasm. Perhaps they met a new football or procured a new stash for their private stock of eucalyptus leaves. Only time will tell…
In the less handsome, but more far more macho Klingon Division, we find a ugly race for first place led by league Goosesteping Instructor and all around snappy-in-armor dresser, Blitzed, blasting the opposition with a third-of-the-way record of 4-3. The Stalingrad Stoneheads are followed by long time league AA resister and Guttermeister, DrunkenFightingIrish, who at 3-4 are showing a renewed vigor for staring hatefully at Notre Dame games and peeling the labels off of perfectly good scotch bottles.
Rounding out the conference are three teams who were among the pre-season favorites to finish the season. All boasting a 2-5 record and vowing to get off smack by season’s end are the Royal Recliners of A.S. Sofa Kings, the Stupendous Sorcerers of DDT’s Goalline Wizzzards and last but not least the Highflying Hipster, Flying Elvis, who today is in a state of mourning and shock at the sudden demise of his beloved Red Sox. Oh, what a difference a year can make (as well as crappy pitching and poor front office moves). …Sorry a little baseball interference…
The Referee Interjects: ”Newsletter Interference…On the Editor…Two Beer Penalty… Get on with the rest of this drivel…”
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Around The League
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The Phrase "Toilet Bowl" Revisited
Now that Bill 'Carpetbagger Scrooge' Bidwell has seen the Promised Land of NFL Mexico, one expects that he will do anything to get back.
The gate, over 103,000 Mexican NFL fans, represents roughly the same number of tickets as the Chicago/St.Louis/Phoenix/Arizona Browns/Cardinals normally get for THREE home games. And even more unusual, the Cards won - though there is little evidence that winning matters to Bidwell in any way.
Bidwell may ask, but the NFL is unlikely to let him just move the whole team to Mexico. Not yet, not until L.A. has a team. But there's nothing to prevent the Cards from hosting one game in Mexico every season.
If Bidwell is involved, it would have to have a uniquely Cardinals twist. Or several. For instance, flights to Mexico City would be waaaay too expensive to purchase every year. The games would have to be held somewhere much closer to Phoenix. Such as... hmm.... Tijuana!
You may laugh now, but we can see it coming, as inevitable as death, taxes, or the wife needing your attention for something during overtime: The Annual Arizona Cardenales Tijuana Bowl. And here are the top five reasons why we just can't wait:
- The Cards against whoever is the other worst team in the league!
- Pre-game festivities feature thousands of under-age Gringos drinking until they throw up!
- Stadium vendadores peddle disreputable hot dogs, warm weak beer, and cheap prescription drugs some of which contain pharmaceutical compounds!
- Cheerleaders easily recruited from teeming hordes of meth-laden prostitutes!
- The half-time extravaganza is best described in two words: "Donkey Show"
Sibling Rivalry
The network guys get to dust off the old rivalry angle whenever the Chefs and Broncos meet. Two original AFL teams, 45 years of playing twice per season, the way Hank Stram and his Cheifs would pour into town and pile up the points back in the bad old days. That kind of thing.
But there is no joy in Mudville --
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mighty KC has struck out
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As another Monday Night fades into memory and the Fat Man rides out of town on his overly-famous bus, we can reflect for ourselves exactly what the rivalry means to us. Some memories do stand out, like the time Steve Atwater met Christian Okoye head-on in the hole and turned the Nigerian Nightmare into 250+ pounds of quivering Jello, or the time Shannon Sharpe got into Derrick Thomas' head so thoroughly that Thomas was called for three consecutive personal fouls and ejected.
Now that one thinks about it, most of the memories of the Chiefs/Broncos are good memories. As a general rule, when we need to beat them, we do. Their fans are decent and loud and supportive and excellent tailgaters and they're polite when they visit Denver. Even their coach is likable.
Wailing on the Chefs is like... well... it IS better than kissing your sister. Yet it is nowhere near as satisfying as pounding the crap out of the Raiders (who, lest you may have forgotten, suck).
Speaking of rivalries
According to Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback: When the league held its fundraising telethon for Hurricane Katrina victims last Monday, one of the operators taking phone calls was former Raiders lineman and coach Art Shell. At one point during the evening, the phone at his station rang. He picked it up.
"NFL Hurricane Relief, this is Art Shell,'' he answered.
"Raiders SUCK!'' said a guy, who promptly hung up.
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Bet the ranch - caller ID showed area code (303)
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There is one aspect to this rivalry that is absolutely unmatched: the vigor, energy and relentlessness with which Kansas City's own writers utterly rip the Cheifs apart when they lose to the Broncos. This is not a casual tear-down, oh no, the writers in KC are vicious and eloquent and highly entertaining. Reading the Kansas City Star (registration required) the day after a big Bronco win is one of the highlights of this reporter's NFL year. Here's but a taste:
"It was so bad that I’m sure if given a choice between listening to Sterling Sharpe analyze another football game or watching Pryce torture KC’s Willie Roaf-less offensive line, most Chiefs fans would adopt Sharpe and let him read Randy Moss bedtime stories five days a week."
"They stunk up the joint every way possible — and at least a few ways that did not seem possible. They even punted lousy."
"The Chiefs’ defense did not make a play all night. They never came close to intercepting a pass or forcing a fumble. They did not knock any receivers off the ball or make a running back think twice before hitting the hole. Basically, they did nothing."
"That’s how bad the Chiefs’ defense was Monday night. The Broncos scored 30 without any effort, and Shanahan felt as if they left money on the table."
"The Chiefs made you want to change the channel, turn in early and kick your dog on the way to bed."
In case the Chef fans don't feel badly enough, the Star includes the most gloating columns from the Denver papers too, making it our favorite source for one-stop mocking.
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Dr. G’s Off-Season Review: Running On Empty
For the most part, the 2005 off-season was exactly what one would expect:
The annual fan participation event “Shoot an NFL Player” was won by Jerome McDougle of the Philadelphia Eagles.
Two teams changed uniforms, briefly inspiring attention until it was noted that the teams were the Giants and the Cardinals.
Los Angeles, entering it’s second decade of having no NFL team, adopted the official city motto of “At Least We’re Still Rid of the Raiders”.
Star wide receiver brain cells – all of them, for all of the star wide receivers - continued to function in a manner best described as “logic-challenged”.
However, one aspect of the 2005 off-season stands out as jaw-droppingly unique, something perhaps never seen before: the strange and inexplicable glut of franchise running backs.
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| The Edge and $1 will get you a cup of coffee. Not at Starbucks, mind you. |
Time was when no team would consider trading or releasing a thousand-yard rusher except in rare mega-deals such as Herschel Walker’s twelve player and draft choice swap, or the Eric Dickerson deal involving ten players and picks.
But during this off-season Shaun Alexander, Edgerrin James, Travis Henry and Reuben Droughns were all available, all at the same time. These four players represent eleven thousand-yard seasons between them, and they’re all at their peak; each is still under 30 years old and the most veteran among them has only seven seasons experience.
Fantasy team owners everywhere drooled while real team owners issued a collective yawn. James and Alexander were both forced to accept one-year tenders from their current teams. Droughns was swapped for a couple of used Browns, while Henry fetched only a single third-round pick from the Titans.
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| In week 11, Barrelman puts down the beer, gets 23 carries, 117 yards and a TD |
Being the serious analyst that I am nearly paid to be, these kinds of trends demand my attention. A few contributing factors jump out immediately. For one, it was a deep draft year for running backs, including three taken in the first five picks. For another, of the last ten Super Bowl winners, only three teams were truly run-first offenses (and two of those three were both Denver)…
*snort* oops, sorry, I drifted off there a moment. I realize this is not the normal hard-nosed yet entertaining journalism you’ve come to expect from the ole Dr G. It is an interesting topic, but only in a mildly almost-but-not-quite boring kind of way.
So I’ll summarize: It’s Mike Shanahan’s fault. After enough years of watching the Broncos turn a cast of low-round draft picks and waiver wire special teamers into thousand-yarders, the league now believes that anyone can play the position.
If Ron Dayne rushes for a thousand this season, the league may just stop paying running backs at all. We’ll have lotteries before each game where a lucky fan gets to don the uni of his or her favorite team and pester the players for autographs while rushing for 156 yards.
None Dare Call It Football
Most of the world considers "Football" to mean something completely different from those of us who know better. The average US sports fan understands nothing about this version of "Football", although in 1996 we learned that is has something to do with Brandi Chastain's sports bra.
In the spirit of global public service, your fearless world citizen Newsletter Editors begin an ongoing series of educational articles illustrating the strategic subtleties of this oh-so-different version of "Football".
LIMA, Peru (AP) -- A chartered jet carrying 289 Gambian soccer fans pretended it needed to make an emergency landing so they could watch their team compete in the FIFA Under 17 World Championships, officials said Wednesday. The plane, claiming to be low on fuel, landed Tuesday near the stadium in Peru's northern coast city of Piura.
"It truly was a scam," said Betty Maldonado, a spokeswoman for Peru's aviation authority, CORPAC. "They tricked the control tower, saying they were low on fuel."
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| Admit it - if you could fly Air Rum, you would, right?
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Emergency crews were scrambled ahead of the unscheduled landing by the Lockhead L1011 Tri-Star, owned by Air Rum Ltd., Maldonado said.
The Air Rum plane, which she said was chartered by Gambian President Yahya Jammeh, should have made its approach to the capital, Lima, but instead flew directly to Piura, entering Peruvian air space "without permission."
Please note that we are talking about the "Under 17" national team! Had it been the real national team, Gambia would have dispensed with trickery and simply invaded Peru.
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A Word From Our Sponsors
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And They Lived Happily Ever After
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| Please sir, may I have some more? |
Once upon a time, an intrepid band of Editors set out to enlighten and entertain the yearning masses, hungry for tales and exploits of their beloved DaGFFL. But instead, the Editors published a Newsletter.
And thus began the Decade of Drivel, as one pointless newsletter led only to more issues containing even more pointlessness, and all the kingdom was dismayed by the unending futility of it all.
But then our heroic band of Editors set upon a mighty Quest, to scour the Land from end to end, braving every peril to seek content that might be funny or at the very least, different. To this end great proclamations were made and entreaties enjoined, while all in DaGFFL were begged most shamelessly to provide Newsletter submissions.
And lo, a barely-measureable trickle of submissions did indeed commence, nearly one every year! And they each met the Editor's impeccable standards of worthiness, as they all contained a recognizable Language and (occasional) Punctuation! And the people rejoiced!
And so, as the season begins anew, our Heroes once again set out upon their annual Beseeching of the Masses, pleading with each and every DaGFFL owner in the most abject supplication possible, for even the smallest morsel of content to include in some future issue of the newsletter.
Ye Olde List Of Acceptable Submissions
| Trash-talking
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| Game recaps
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| Observations
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| Links to something you enjoyed
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| DaGFFL history
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| Contest or article ideas
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| Football-related cheesecake/beefcake
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| Anything we forgot to list above
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Ye Olde List of Unacceptable Submissions
| Endangered species
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| Foreign heads of state
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| Masonry
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| Any member of the Sheen/Estevez acting family (excepting Denise Richards who is no longer a Sheen and would have been very acceptable regardless)
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| Readers are encouraged to submit Denise Richards |
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NFL Note of the Week
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As always, these are real NFL words, in context, taken directly from an offical NFL source. In this case, the source is an NFL press release that should be subtitled "The NFL sells what little remains of it's soul":
NFL AND ABC GET SATISFACTION
THE ROLLING STONES TEAM WITH NFL AND ABC
FOR SEASON-LONG PROMOTION
Group to Perform As Part of “NFL Opening Kickoff 2005” Sept. 8 on ABC
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| Nothing says "NFL Football" like a bunch of prancing British senior citizens
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ABC’s “Monday Night Football” To
Feature Rolling Stones’ Music and Video Footage
Throughout Season
The worlds of music and football will collide this year as the legendary ROLLING
STONES will partner with the NFL and ABC for a season-long campaign, it was
announced today.
The Rolling Stones will help kick off the 2005 season from their “A Bigger Bang” World
Tour with footage from their August 31 concert in Detroit as part of "NFL OPENING
KICKOFF 2005" – a one-hour pregame special on ABC at 8:00 PM ET/PT Thursday,
Sept. 8.
ABC also will feature music and video footage of The Rolling Stones throughout the
2005 season in its “Monday Night Football” promotional campaigns and in-game
highlight and tease packages.
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The campaign will feature new music from their highly
anticipated CD, A Bigger Bang, to be released on Virgin Records on Tuesday, Sept. 6,
along with hits from their catalog.
There was more, much more, but it became too difficult to type while vomiting
Bonus NFL Note of the Week
The official NFL Media site is always chock-full of press releases establishing just how wonderfully popular the NFL is. Really - wonderfully popular. Trust them.
"NFL Popularity Information"
August 2005
NFL: America’s Choice
MOST WATCHED AMONG SPORTING GOODS SHOPPERS
| NFL | 78%
| | MLB | 43%
| | NBA | 32%
| | College Football/Basketball | 19%
| | Pro Golf | 15%
| | NHL | 12%
| | Pro Tennis | 11%
| | NASCAR | 10%
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Which is scarier? The 10% of sporting goods purchasers that watch NASCAR? Or the 12% that spent last season staring at a blank TV thinking they were seeing NHL games?
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Like We Could Make This Up
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| | Standing tall on Monday Night
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Its Not the Size of the Ship...
Santana Moss reacting defensively to a reporter who noted that no Redskin receiver is taller than 5'-10":
"The team that has a receiver below six feet, they got him for that purpose. We have speed and route-running ability and all of the other little things we do in and out of traffic."
Especially the little things!
Paging Mr. Wannstedt... Mr. Dave Wannstedt
The entire fantasy football newsletter industry was devastated by last year's summary dismissal of Dave Wannstedt, our favorite Babble Fish. Inches of column space were laid waste, no longer able to feature the gilded gibberish of this gifted gabber.
But wait! The new Fins coach, Nick Saban, is rather famous already, and not in a good way. Saban (A.K.A. "Mr. Furious") is well-known for some truly Newsletter-worthy outbursts during his college coaching career:
- In a written directive, he ordered front office personnel to stop making small talk with him
- In an unrelated event, a secretary who complimented him on his haircut was told not to address him, ever
- He once ripped a staffer for putting the wrong size "Little Debbie" cakes in his office
| | Few grocery items are more offensive than Little Debbies
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But the question we really need to know: can he come anywhere close to his predecessor's total lack of coherence? Eager to find out, we closely monitor his response to a question about starting lineups:
"We haven’t really discussed, as a staff, any new things about who is going to play what and when, how and all of that. That is something that we are going to do between now and then. I’m sorry that I can’t give you any information about things that we haven’t decided upon.
Not as Yogi Berra-esque as Wannstedt, but still, it is a promising start
Denial is Not Just a River in Egypt
| | Feeling terrible gives me a headache right here
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Chargers GM A.J. Smith, after the team narrowly lost it's opener and many blamed the contract-related suspension of Antonio Gates that Smith had imposed:
"I felt terrible yesterday, but I don't regret anything I've done"
I do, however, regret that I had to feel terrible yesterday. That was just icky.
Insert title theme from The Poseidon Adventure here
Mike Nolan when asked if his 49ers will be improved from last year's last-place version:
"Everything else should be status quo. We’ll let you know about the tight end and see where Eric is. I think we’re 50-50 at best with Eric. As far as the backfield, wide receiver and quarterback positions go, they’ll all be the same.”
When it is broke, don't fix it
| | This is Denver's leading touchdown receiver. How funny is that?
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Hiding in Plain Sight
Dwayne Carswell on catching two "tight end eligible" touchdowns in week 4:
"I'm hardly the secret weapon"
As Stephen Alexander put it: "House, he stepped up big"
And the Miss Congeniality Award Goes To...
Samir Suleiman, the Rams director of football administration. Suleiman left a message on a reporters voice mail, responding to an article about back-stabbing amongst the Ram leadership:
"tell your source that I'm not a back-stabber, I'm a (expletive) throat slasher, and he'll know the difference before it's all said and done."
If he's lucky, Mr. Suleiman will soon be the Director of Football Administration for the Walla Walla Washington Junior Varsity field hockey team
| | You talkin ta me? You talkin' ta ME?
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Miss Congeniality (Part 2)
Jamal Lewis, Ravens All-Pro Running Back and famous ex-convict:
"I know Keith Bulluck, so he doesn't really talk to me too much."
To know him is to love him
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Joke Construction Kit Challenge
The following is a true quote from Bengals LB Brian Simmons on beginning the season undefeated. But that's not the challenging part.
"It's big," Simmons said. "You get off and you're not behind the eight-ball".
No, the challenge is for you, gentle reader, to devise and submit a humorous caption for this quote (or instead, the kind of caption we normally provide). Puns, sarcasm, and other witticisms are all perfectly appropriate.
We'd ask that all submissions be in good taste, but it seems unfair as no DaGFFL Newsletter Editor has ever burdened him or herself with such an exacting standard.
All entries will win an Exciting Opportunity for your submission to be included in a DaGFFL Newsletter! Ta Da!
Good luck to all!
For the humor-challenged, we provide the following hints: "big", "get off", "ball", "behind".
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X's and O's and O My God's
After giving up 504 total yards, eight third-down conversions out of 17 attempts and 27 points before halftime in a week 2 game against the Bengals - Vikings Defensive coordinator Ted Cottrell:
"We should've played better," Cottrell said. "We can play better. We will play better. But I don't think it's a step back."
We are NOT retreating. We are advancing towards the rear!
| | Adding new meaning to the term "winning ugly"
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Nothing Succeeds Like Success
Carson Palmer on throwing a 70-yard TD pass 52 seconds into a week 2 game versus Minnesota:
"It opens up the passing game"
In other news, scientists report that scoring is a good way to accumulate points
Free Perking
Shaun Alexander perks his ears when the Arizona Cardinals are next on the schedule.
"I think they talk a lot of mess," Alexander said. "That kind of gets me excited."
C'mon baby, talk messy to me
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Fortunately, he has a single-digit jersey number: easier to memorize
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A Powerful Backhand
Jimmy Smith regarding a week 3 touchdown:
"Byron made a good call. He told me to run a slant and go. Fortunately I ran a good enough route for him to make the easy throw."
Now there is a ringing endorsement of your QB's accuracy!
For Whom the Bell Rings
Trent Dilfer after a couple of big hits in the third quarter, including one that appeared to be low:
"I asked the ref if the hit was low and late. He said he was pushed into me. I don't get caught up in that other stuff. If you do, you can lose your focus."
How does one get so out of focus that you can no longer tell when you've been groin-smacked by a 300-pound human bulldozer?
Killing Me Softly
Byron Leftwich after an error-filled week 4 loss to the Broncos:
"It's frustrating as hell because you hate to have the type of days where you're killing yourself"
Killing yourself can ruin your whole day
| | A special high-speed camera is required to capture Sharpe with his mouth closed
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Defying Gravity
Shannon Sharpe discussing a rash of quaterback injuries in week 3:
"At least three times today, and a few times last week, I saw quarterbacks fall to the ground and hurt themselves... Why is it so hard to simply fall down this season? It's really not all that complicated."
[Ed. Note: No "humorous" caption attempted. Shannon is way funnier than we are]
Missed it by That Much
Redskins kicker Josh Brown after a field goal attempt hit the goal post as time expired:
"Honestly, the kick was perfect," Brown said, "I hit a great ball and unfortunately the upright got right in the way."
Truly, we Editors wrote a great work of literature for your week 4 Newsletter. It was end-to-end Pullitzer-level prose. Except suddenly the mediocre nonsense you are reading got in the way.
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Parting Shots and other Proctology Practices
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This Week in DaGFFL:
For those of us who have no life (everybody raise your hands now) this should enliven things if simply for the sheer thrill of it all…unless you’re fond of Super Nanny re-runs or uncensored versions of Survivor: Beverly Hills…More film at an Adult Store near you…
We have battles for division supremacy! Well, at least some sort of conflict, jockeying of position, etc, Look for these exciting (yawn) tilts at a computer up your street…
Disciplinary Action favored by a mere 2.2 points over up and coming Bad News Bacteria – are the Dynamic Dominatrix for real or will they fall to the little things in life?
Formerly know as Molly Ringwald Fan Club an underdog to Prancing Pigskin Panzies: two 2-5 teams with something to prove, someone HAS to end up in the pink…)
Will the Highly Paid Dumb Guys end their slump and call for Vitalis…er…Viagra or will Bono's Kuckoos Nest be SO CRUEL…
KAOS Unlimited gives 18 points to Body Count in a pitched battle of the dead vs the non-existent
DrunkenFightingIrish an underdog to Players From Pluto: will DFI climb out of the gutter and into the the bar by pasting this astrojuggernaut?
Mac's Mighty Maniac Marauders (-9.8) at Always Surprising PsyKlones : the up and bi-lateral Klones are making a statement in the Federation Division, but who can understand them?
A. S. Sofa Kings (-22.5) at DDT's Goalline Wizzzards: the Kings are on a TWO game winning streak, can they keep it up or will their new Coach hit the snooze alarm?
Flying Elvis at Blitzed (-11.9) battle of the brothers-in-law…can’t they just go have a beer and be done with it?
Disciplinary Action at Always Surprising PsyKlones (-2.7): with the Klones favored, will the Leather & Whip crew take it personally?
Bad News Bacteria at Players From Pluto (-8.3): The Champs vs. the Chromosomes…will science prevail?
Well, that about concludes all the written crap that we could get out in less than an hour, so good luck this week and May the Favre be With You …
Your Kommisch Newsletter Staff
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