Enough Already! We’ll Vote For Both of You


To the amazement and surprise of no one, our intrepid band of Newsletter Editors bravely survive an unexpected and very harrowing ordeal: being kidnapped by a gang of violent Italian New Jersey grade schoolers - the infamous Castrano crime family. Dodging a hail of .38 snubnose spitballs, we avoided certain death (sharpened pencils were being brandished everywhere!) only when the mini-mobsters learned that we were married to "girls", and therefore were infected with "cooties", a condition which might be contagious.

Flush with the excitement of our narrow escape, we return to our High and Lofty™ Kommissioners office only to find that our TV remote control is broken . No matter which button we push, it keeps giving us an unending torrent of conflicting and generally hateful political verbosity. One time the remote gave us something that looked kind of like a debate, except it wasn’t, because everyone was taking turns speaking to the camera and ignoring each other.



Worse, all of the talk is about stupidly gratuitous things like war and unemployment and the future of our country. Where’s the important stuff - The vital issues confronting our nation – the meat and potatoes of Democracy? WHERE IS FOOTBALL? What is Kerry’s stance on the West Coast offense? Shouldn’t America know whom Bush would start at Utility Player? Could either of them beat Jeff Garcia’s 0.0 quarterback rating?



Shaking our heads in bewildered bemusement, we breathe a collective sigh of relief as the TV goes black and our imaginations are once again filled with scampering running backs, scrambling quarterbacks, and endless per-game statistical analysis.

Ta da! Live, without further ado - or adon’t or even amaybe - from our front row seats in beautiful downtown Reno, Nevada (the home of Casinos For People Who Can’t Afford Vegas) it’s the weak 5 newsletter! Ta Da!

Seemingly Senseless Awards™


As will be remembered by both of you who read week three’s notes, week 4 included the highly-contested, almost-but-not-quite-sought-after “Heinie Kins” Award™. This fabulous No Prize™ is awarded to the teams from each conference that scored the most bench points. Those teams are to be commended and recognized here and now…But wait!!! This just in! Due to our recent kidnapping, the “Heinie Kins” Award™ has been extended to include week 5 contests as well! HOLY INFLATION BATMAN!

And the Week 4 Heinie Kins go to… [drum roll]
the Prancing Pigskin Panzies (39 useless points) and the X Norwegian Blues (58 non-refundable points).

For Week 5, the Awards go to… [yet another drum roll?] …Molly Ringwald Fan Club (with a whopping 64, no deposit, no return bench points) and the Corpselike Cockatoos again! X Norwegian Blues (69 really redundant points)! (insert applause track here) But wait! There’s More! The Blues get another special NoPrize™ for having such a significant number on the bench this week. For an explanation of this, please ask your Mother or teenage son.
Next week! Yes, we are putting you through even more trials by Seemingly Senseless Award™ as we announce these popular (in certain third world cultures) awards, sure to match every ensemble:
  • The Big Foot™ Award awarded to this next week’s highest scoring kicker (Repeat after me: “I keeek ze foootbul! I maakee sex-hundrred grand!”)
And if that weren’t enough unmitigated fun and frolick…
  • The “Richard Gere Eat You Heart Out”™ Award awarded to this week’s highest scoring Tight End. (for an explanation see the above mentioned teenage son…)
So get out there and start those kickers and loosen up your tight e..eh… never mind…


In Case You Forgot - We Hate the Raiders

With a visit to Network Colisuem (a.k.a. Al Davis and 65,000 Slobbering Mouth Breathers) upcoming, the time seemed ripe for a scientific study into the phenomenon of Raider Fandom. Certain facts seem, on the face of things, to be mutually contradictory:
  • There are people who actually like the Raiders
  • Assumption: they do have opposable thumbs and some measurable amount of brain cortex
  • Yet, we are discussing the Raiders
As is clearly shown in the illustrations in Figure 1, our study uncovered an X-factor that we have termed “Raidericity” – an unnatural attraction to black and silver caused by a malformed chromosome in the cognitive gene cluster.

Strangely, many lower forms of life share the Raidericity gene deformation: specifically, the short-tailed skink, several species of pygmy snakes-in-the-grass, and the virus that causes Tourette’s Syndrome.

The only cure is genetic splicing, applying the Anti-Raidericity chromosome commonly found amongst sapient beings. The treatment requires a volunteer donor but unfortunately, no creature intelligent enough to possess Anti-Raidericity has been willing to inhabit the same building as a Raider fan long enough to perform the procedure.

Give That Man A Thesaurus

Speaking of scampering and scrambling, the Thing That Is Really Pissing Us Off This Week® is, once again, sports reporters. Your Ever-Lovin’ Kommishes spend a lot of time scouring the globe for your newsletter, and frankly, the globe is just not the pretty place it once was.

There are over 350,000 words in the English language. One would expect to see more of them, at least occasionally. But no, apparently only 200 or so words are legally ordained for sports article usage. We are not discussing the rampaging cliché deluge - don’t even get us started on over-used sports clichés, that’s a two-page rant all by itself. We are referring to the unwritten rules that state only certain adjectives and adverbs can be used in certain situations.

For instance, whenever a small tailback gains ten yards, he is said to have “scampered” for the first down, while bigger backs always – and we mean always – “pound” for yardage. A high yards-per-catch average is always “gaudy”. A good run defender is always “stout”. A steady pass rush is “relentless”. Why? Why can’t a running back scurry for once? Or instead of pounding, pulverize?

As a public service, we would like to provide this common phrase substitution table:

Overused Phrase Replacement Suggestion
Scampering (running back) Scurry, dart or scuttle
Pounding (running back) Clobber, pulsate or throb
Stout (defender) Tubby
Gaudy (yards per catch) Doesn’t get many balls
Scrambling (quarterback) Not Brian Griese
Possession (receiver) White guy
 
The Part That Actually Matters

The Almost-Midseason Summary and other Obfuscating Observations…

After narrowly escaping the clutches of our would-be kidnappers, we of your ever fugitive newsletter crew come back to find a league is dis-or-ary (somewhere near Bora-Bora)! The worst team in week 3 has risen to the top of the mighty Romulan Division with a 4 game win streak! Yes, Cosa Nostra fans, in just two short weeks league soph-o-more, the Crimson Erection of Red Storm Rising blows into divisional lead with performances that can only be described as Storms of Biblical Proportions! Chasing the Atmospheric Ascent are league vets Body Count and Highly Paid Dumb Guys. The Multiplying MorgueFodder are scoring a sizzling 117 points per game, but have had poor timing and absolutely no rhythm, posting a disappointing 6-3 record thus far. The HPDG crew is dumbfounded as to why they are only in a tie for second, to that we comment “Well, Duh?”

While we are on the subject of grandiloquent platitudes, we offer kudos and our heartfelt trepidation towards the Dynamic Diabolists of DDTs Goalline Wizzzards, who, as we near the season’s halfway point, currently lies undefeated, untied and unruffled. Scoring a blazing 124 points a game, the current StuporBowl™ champs are making a mockery out of, admittedly, a mockery. The Stupendous Sorcerers have a solid lineup with very few weaknesses and they are the odds on favorite to be the first DaGFFL team to repeat as StuporBowl™ Champs! (Well, that should instill the dreaded Newsletter Curse™- Ed)

Other oddities that spring up to our roving eyes: The Microscopic Miscreants of Bad News Bacteria could be in first place of the Federation Division with their gleaming 105.6 points per game average, but alas their accompanying 3-7 record is only good for last place in the Ferengi Division. These Biological Badboys have fallen from last year’s playoof bound heights, but team insiders have shared that the squad is gearing up for a major mitosis just in time for the remainder of the season.

In a race (very loose definition in this usage) for second place in the Ferengi Division, league soph-o-mores and Pretty-IN-Pink Poster Posers, Prancing Pigskin Panzies and Molly Ringwald Fan Club are bitch slapping each other in a cat fight. Scratching ahead by a sheer half game with a nice fuchsia camisole, the Triple P Delight (with Hosin Sauce and a bit of garlic) are showing the rest of the league just how butch babes in purple pumps can be.

Those wacky lounge singers of Bono’s Kuckoos Nest are at it again! The league rookie and very good wedding and barmitzvah band have chosen to try to qualify for the BIG MOOLA PLAYOOFS™ with one running back tied behind their respective backs. 		Yes fans, in their generosity, they started Dallas RB Julian Jones who has been out with a busted shoulder since week 3, basking in the heat of a hot tub near him. Thanks Bono for the assist, but we of your always-magnanimous Kommisch Office offer this memo to self: start a player who actually has a chance of scoring. However, on a historical note, we wish to point out that you did come within 17 points of being immortalized in league lore. 20 points is the current lowest weekly score in the history of the league and possesses the fabulous and most loathed Jar Jar Binks Memorial Fantastical Forlorn Fickle Finger of Fortune Award. Nice goal for a newbie!

Finally, the race for the rest of the two divisions is held between three 7-2 teams. The still stiff and very deceased X Norwegian Blues, Macs Miracle-They-Are-Still-Anywhere-In-It-Marauders who vie for the Federation D; and the Dynamix Dominatrix of Disciplinary Action who sit alone 2 ½ games atop of the always hospitable Ferengi D.

The two way race for the Good Guy Division is as compelling as watching the Hyrdo-Med Olympics from Sunny Hills Retirement Community as both squads are making new headway in the definition of mediocrity. Perhaps Players From Pluto will land, abducting both of them, rendering the world safe again from bad fantasy races. The Ferengi leader is fast approaching their mid-season swoon and nipple-pincher party, which we are awaiting with absolutely no anticipation what-so-ever. This however should liven up the division race for the aforementioned party crashers (Molly and Panzies). For those of us who have no life (everybody raise your hands now) this should enliven things if simply for the absolute battle between Good (pink pumps and tu-tus) and Evil (leather brassieres and whips). More film at an Adult Store near you… [Ed. Note - why are leather and whips suddenly bad? Did I miss the memo?]

Mercifully we end this tirade by mentioning those teams we have yet to mention above: AS Sofa Kings, Flying Elvis, DrunkenFightingIrish, Kaos Unlimited, AS PsyKlones, F’ing Koalas and Blitzed. There, everyone feel good?

That’s all from this dark room in Jersey. We now return you to our regularly scheduled newsletter.
 
Around the League

NFL Note of the Week (Editorial)

As always, this is actual text, taken in context and in entirety, from a real NFL website. Except this one is only funny in a very dark, black-humor kind of way. From the official NFL Media site, the entire page that was supposed to be an article titled "Jake Plummer has decided not to wear #40 helmet decal"

Statement from a League Spokesman:

We spoke to the Broncos and Jake’s representatives and emphasized that we too want to continue to keep Pat Tillman’s legacy alive but that we have rules regarding personal messages on uniforms that we needed to apply consistently.

The idea of Jake doing a public service announcement relating to our service men and women arose during these discussions and we look forward to working with him on it and showing Jake’s message in all our stadiums beginning on the weekend (November 14-15) after Veterans Day.

We appreciate Senator McCain’s interest as expressed in today’s letter. We have worked with Senator McCain and his office on several tributes to Pat Tillman since his death. Senator McCain has most recently endorsed our $250,000 contribution to build the first USO facility in Afghanistan that will be named the Pat Tillman USO Center for the military men and women stationed there. The formal announcement of the Tillman USO Center will be made at the annual USO Gala tomorrow night in Washington.

For the record, Jake Plummer has not been fined for his actions on this issue and we have no intention of doing so. Rather, we look forward to working together with him.

While we imagine that some very nice people in the NFL offices are trying very hard to do the right thing with this issue, certain items of this letter can only cause one to laugh as the remaining options are all so very sad...
  • The actual title is "Statement from a League Spokesman". No other explanation or identity exists anywhere
  • It took a powerful and popular Senator to get even this much reaction
  • "we look forward to working together with him" really seems to mean "we look forward to Jake doing what he is told"


Like We Could Make This Up



On Optometry
Vikings coach Mike Tice regarding less-experienced kickers: "It's not a good thing when you say to a kid let's kick a field goal and you look in his facemask and his eyes are popping out past his facemask."

Somebody needs one of those facemasks with a dark visor

On Separation
Raiders coach Norv Turner discussing Jerry Rice's diminished role: "We've had situations where he's been open and the ball's been thrown to someone else, and again, it's a different offense, a different style of offense."

In our offense we only throw to covered receivers

Why do people keep letting me coach their teams? Why?
On Being There
Dolphins coach Dave Wannstedt on a week 5 loss to the Patriots: "If you see the tape, we're executing the offensive line to get the push that we want and some good things are according to plan in our practice this week, but some of them aren't"

There should be a Wannstedt quote in here every week. Oh wait - there is

On Wearing Your Mouthguard (24/7)
Troy Hambrick about backing up Emmitt Smith - again - in Arizona: "It was a good combination in Dallas until I opened my mouth. I'm going to try to keep that closed this year, and in the years to come."

2017... mouth closed... check. 2018...

On MapQuest
Dick Vermeil discussing a road game at Baltimore: "We know how to go there and play. In some ways we're better than we were last year when we go there, and in some ways we're not as good. But we know how to go there and play."

Not to worry Dick, that's why we invented "maps" and "directions" and in your case, "someone else to navigate"

On Telling Us How You Really Feel
Norv Turner again, this time on the difficulties of teaching a new offense: "I don't mean any offense, but sometimes you get frustrated. When they're not getting it, it's like the whole team has turn into this great big bag of dumb. Except the stupid parts."

Commitment to Stupidity. How perfectly Raider-like

On High Hopes
Texans QB David Carr on finally winning back-to-back games: "The thing is, we're one game back in the division. That's our goal. We're trying to win a division and a championship. It shouldn't be shocking for me to say that."

Shocking? We were thinking more along the lines of "totally insane"


It occured to us that maybe yeah, we could just make this up. And so was born an Exciting New Contest . Three of the quotes this week are, well, let's just say not quite as real as the others. "Fictional" works too, as does "utterly fraudulent", except that last one might be actionable so we're sticking with "not quite as real".

The first person who submits an email correctly identifying the authenticity-challenged quotes will do two important things: [1] Win a (not so exciting, borderline boring, certainly valueless) Fabulous No-Prize™, and [2] prove that someone other than the Editors actually reads the newsletter.

On Young at Heart
Emmit Smith after his first 100 yard game in several seasons: "Nothing out there but open grass? All I have to do is run? I just picked up my wheelchair and pushed myself on into the end zone."

You're only as young as you wheel

No! I'm not showing you these sentences either!
On Capital Punishment
Broncos coach Mike Shanahan and game planning versus the Raiders: "I don't care what their record is, they're professionals too. We have to take this game one quarter at a time and execute in all three phases for all 60 minutes. If we don't go out there, play Bronco football, and execute we won't win."

Mike, we know you have another sentence in that Mastermind brain somewhere. How about sharing it with us?

On Football 101
Wannstedt again, after starting the season 0-2: "It's very, very unfortunate that we have lost two games and given up one touchdown. That's hard to comprehend."

See, there's this thing called "score", and you want to have more than the other team, and... oh never mind.

On the Whining Phase
Saints quarterback Aaron Brooks discussing the inconsistent history of his organization: "I know that I'm the leader of all of this, but I'm tired of it. I have to sit back and re-evaluate my situation here in New Orleans. I am going to keep fighting until that change comes."

Sit back and fight. That would definitely would be our plan too.

Hello children, My name is Mr. Vick and I'm your substitute geometry teacher
On Spinning in Circles
Michael Vick on the Falcon's improvement over last season: "We're a complete 360 degree turn from last year. This is a great defense and they are only going to get better. I'm very excited about the future of this team."

Err, Mike, a 360 degree turn puts you right back where you started...

On Past Perfect Tense
Steelers center Jeff Hartings on his team's quick start: "I just take it all into perspective. If we play well enough to beat the Philadelphias, the New Englands and the Dallases, that's what you have to be constantly thinking about."

The correct plural of Dallas is "Dallii". Isn't it?

On Extending the Whining Phase
Michael Vick again, this time on the West Coast offense: "Who knows? Maybe in the 10th or 11th year I'll be comfortable with it. But for now, I've got to keep working, keep working."

C'mon Mike, the glass is half full! Whistle while you work!

Is the offense working? Hey, I think it is! Quick - what time is it?
On Wistful Memories
Bills coach Mike Mularkey responding to criticism from owner Ralph Wilson: "When you say open up the offense, I'm not sure what open up is. Are we going to be an Indianapolis? No. I don't think we're going to change our whole offensive philosophy, because when we've done it right, it's worked."

Mike is apparently remembering six minutes in the second quarter of the last preseason game. Man, that was a cool six minutes!

On Getting Your Reps
Cowboys cornerback Terence Newman: "We're making too many dumb plays. I am surprised because that's something we really emphasize."

All right, team, huddle up! We're gonna do this dumb play drill till we get it right!

On Logic
Jake Delhomme when asked if he is like fellow Louisianan Brett Favre: "Don't really know him, but he seems like a great guy. He likes to hunt more than I do. I like to shovel s--- because of the horses. I guess that would be a difference."

Note to self: when invited to Favre's house AND Delhomme's, choose Brett

 
Parting Shots and Other Proctology Problems


This Week in DaGFFL:

We have battles for division supremacy! Well, at least some sort of conflict, jockeying of position, etc, Look for these exciting (yawn) tilts at a computer near you…
  • DDT's Goalline Wizzzards a 10 point favorite over second placed Blitzed – will the Wizzzards finish the year with out a blemish and, if so, can we get whatever their using before the prom?
  • Highly Paid Dumb Guys an overwhelming favorite over Mac's Mighty Maniac Marauders - will the HPDG be able to regain control of the Romulan Division or will a league sophomore beat them out like Girlie Men?
  • Body Count at DDT's Goalline Wizzzards – the battle of the two highest scoring teams. Only one can win…or they could tie, I guess…
  • Disciplinary Action favored over Prancing Pigskin Panzies – are the Panzies for real or are they just another set of pink tights with matching shoulder pads?
  • Players From Pluto at Red Storm Rising – can the Crimsom Erection maintain or are they yet another Viagra canidate?
Well, that’s all for this week sports fans! If you have any contributions at all, please send them in. By the way we really wish to acknowledge the sincere and heartfelt outpouring of content toward our ransom. Thanks to Mrs. JD Peach for mistakenly e-mailing her recipe for Kumquat Tarts to our kidnappers. The rest of you…How about it?

Next time: The long awaited but never-to-be-forgotten Cheesecake Issue™ …or was that Kumquat Tarts Issue?