Dreaming of Genie With the Light Brown Jersey |
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Imagine yourself, stranded upon a south seas deserted isle, with nothing but the sun, sand and a copy of Pro-Football Fantasy Index to keep you company. The water laps up the beach at your feet, the seagulls play overhead. The sun, not too hot, warms your skin and hair. Trade winds cool you down and bring the scent of the salt ocean to your senses. You have never been this relaxed in years. You can feel the tightness leave every limb of your body.
She breathlessly bends down to you, lying there on the beach with a massive hard…heart beat…and a breathing rhythm that could run the 40 in about a half second. She leans forward and whispers seductively into your ear… “Would you like to trade me a hard rushing back for me wide receiver, mate?”  Ta Da! |
Live, coming to you from the third booth in Kitty’s Downtown Emporium and Marital Aids Shoppe, sweating profusely with that sheen you can only get when you’ve been doing your “fantasy roster” too long, your ever passionate High and Lofty Commissioners Office ™ presents your very own Week Three Notes! Yet More Fiddle-De-DeWe, of your, never to be seen in public with a horse head on ours, Kommishes office begin this week’s fantabulos parade of truly meaningless chatter with something that no fantasy football geek should be without. Your very own … It IS time. The TIME has come. It has truly arrived! This week, once again we commence this year’s round of our annual series of really goofy stuff. (Yes, we truly get paid by the word. Why do you ask?) This week’s award is entitled the “Heinie Kins Awardä”. For those of you new, or veterans who are not paying much attention to anything but your navel lint, this fabulous No Prize™ will be presented to the teams in both conferences that score the most NON-STARTER points (or bench points). The prize (you guessed it, oh clairvoyant ones) is a six-pack of Heinekin! Wow! Yippee! Ooooh! Ahhh! Baby! Baby! We are not cheap, eh boys and girls? So get write out and sit’em down! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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The StreakThe NFL is three games into the season and already one theme has dominated: The Streak. By this, we don’t mean any one particular streak: the season seems to have consisted of one streak after another, either ending or continuing or potentially either.By far the most newsworthy streak to-date is Jerry Rice’s consecutive games with a catch, ending at 274 during a week 2 Raiders victory over Buffalo. But then, you must know this already - a Google news search of the phrase “jerry rice streak” resulted in over 29,000 hits. Unlike most of the streaks that network and print analysts hype to enhance their story line, this one seems actually important. The next-most consecutive catches belong to Tim Brown but he is reaching the end of his own career and is a full one hundred games behind Rice. Surprisingly, or maybe not surprisingly, the Raiders reacted casually to the press onslaught. Rich Gannon: "Knowing Jerry like I do, I'm sure he'll start another streak”. Rice himself downplayed the end of the streak: "I never thought it would come to an end like this. But, you know, it's OK. It's all right. It happens. Life goes on. I'll just start another one and get another 200." Keen observers note that Rice would have to play until 2019 to make this statement come true. Only NFL week one did not feature some kind of significant streak-related event. Last week the San Francisco 49ers, a team that had gone 420 consecutive games without being shut out, failed to score against the Seahawks. They did have one scoring chance in the second quarter, a 46-yard field goal attempt, but it went wide. This week, the streak story belongs to the New England Patriots, who are threatening to win their 18th game in a row. Six teams have done this previously, including our very own Boys in (predominantly) Blue from 1997-1998. Interestingly, even the NFL does not actually recognize this streak. The official NFL record ignores playoff wins and is held by the 1972-1973 Miami Dolphins who reeled off 17 straight regular season wins. |
To one observer who has been through this before, this sounds an awful lot like the ’98 Broncos before they lost to the Giants. In honor of the streaking spirit of the 2004 NFL Season, DaGFFL Newsletter would like to recognize some additional streaks, some more publicized, some less:
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Lots of games were played! Monies were exchanged! Promises made! And then came Da Great FFL slate!
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In the Never Tip a Naked Bus Driver Rolls Conference:High atop the Klingon Division are the mad scientist wannabes of DDT’s Goalline Wizzzards, who have prestidigitated their way to an 5-0 record while amassing the top point total of the conference. This week’s foes were merely rabbits-in-the-hat to the Wizzzards, who defeated the stiffly flying, cremated cockatoos of the X-Norwegian Blues, 131-116 and then performed a hat trick by magnifying the Publishing Protozoa of Bad News Bacteria 131-105. The Wizzzards start 2004 out with the same corny, hackneyed illusions and parlor tricks that they finished 2003 with. And look what that got them… the frickin’ Stupor BowlTM Championship! Say, how DO you do that thing with the rabbit again?Driving their goose-stepping, Panzers From HellTM (at a theatre near you!) at the very heels of the Wizzards are division foe and really snappy-looking-in-those-black-boots- squad of Blitzed, who grind week 3 foes into the proverbial road bed. Blitzed, led by 25 point “bookends”, Donovan “Acthung!” McNabb and Thomas “Heil!” Jones, rolled over league foe and Anabuse Cocktail poster child, DrunkenFightingIrish, 127-110 and then bombed the Cooing Couple of the Boomers, 127-87, on their way to accept France’s surrender. It is our peaceful desire that the Blitzed begin behaving like the “steady, reliable, and consistent” team as described by Dr. G, in our preseason issue extravaganza, rather than the “blowing massive holes in things, grind your mother into coffee cake, rip out your eyes and spit on your brain” behavior they have demonstrated thus far this season on their way to their 4-1 record, scoring the conference’s second highest point total (shy by 1 point).
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In the battle of last place for the Bad Complexion Division along with the Monarchy Moguls Society bragging rights, the Swooshing Songmasters, the Flying Elvis, serenade and succumb the Rocker Royalty, A.S. Sofa Kings, 87-73, in a game marred by frequent bathroom breaks on both sides of the ball. Only a last minute emergency delivery of pharmaceutical strength laxatives saved the Elvis from offensive constipation and allowed their hip turning, glittering attack to smoothly take the day. The Kings were not exceptionally sharp this tilt as the built-in vibra-comfort bench appliance was just too much for the squad to overcome.
|  In the Good-Guys Always Get The Girl Division, nested atop of the crow’s nest, Macs MMMS repel all boarders by ransacking the home port of league vet and docile horny marsupial, F’ing Koalas, 134-45, earning the Brusin’ Buccaneers yet another Conference Weekly High Score as well as their second Tommy Osborn of the season. The Koalas have not yet unwound from their off-season hibernation, however their record of 0-5 along with a league low 164 total points, places the Mooning Marsupials in prime position to begin their come-back run, qualify for the playoofs and win it all. In addition to vanquishing their division rival, the Buffeting Bucs, spank the Lovin’ Every Minute of the Domination squad, of Molly Ringwald Fan Club, 134-104. The MRFC Pink Patrol was on hand for the tilt and took exception to the fact that all of the tasty violence and punishment was relegated to the field. Thus they stormed the Marauders locker room after the contest demanding their just punishment. No word yet as to if they have been released from the handcuffs as of press time. Film at your local adult shoppe.
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Keeping up with the Macs are the gamey, but still limp & molting X-Norwegian Blues club who drop a big lump of dead doughy doo-doo on top of week 3 foe, the also dead but still counting, Body Count, 116-107. This contest was marred by rigor mortis on both sides of the line of scrimmage and thus respective offenses could not seem to get resurrected vs. the stiff opposing defenses. No one breathing was available for comment after the tilt, however the Blues janitor did comment that embalming fluid stains did not lift out of the turf all that easily, for whatever that’s worth.
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Holding their own (and whatever the little green protrusion is hanging out of their ear-thingy) are the league’s only extra-terrestrial representatives of Players From Pluto, who take the time to neatly abduct and experiment upon division foe, A.S. PsyKlones, 123-110, as well as handing Romulan Division leader High Paid Dumb Guys, their first loss along with the anal probe. The Disney-Out-of-This-World-Wonders have come on hard thus far this season, displaying the form they have traditionally perfected towards the latter part of the schedule in past years, when they have been well out of the playoof race. If they heat up, then it’s curtains for the world as we know it earthlings. Stay tuned here! To round out the Rolls Royce Conference we have to look no further than to league vet and busy-blow-hard, the A.S. PsyKlones who twist into the win column via their 110-74 shredding of the Secrets That No Man May Know, But A Few Cheerleaders Are Okay, KAOS Unlimited. The KAOS coach had cleverly disguised their squad’s bus as a mobile home, a tactical error considering their foe. In the My Brother Was An Only Child Caddy Conference: Resting atop of the Everybody Loves Latinum Division are the Decisive Dictators of Disciplinary Action who destroy, dominate and disturb divisional and league foes alike! This week’s carnage was wrought onto league newbee and not-just-a-good-lounge-act, Bono’s Kuckoos Nest 134-114, along with league perennial 12-Step Drop Out, DrunkenFightingIrish, 132-110. The Proactrix Dominatrix are well on their way to their annual mid-season swoon when all that good pain and domination begin to take a toll on their squad.
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This year, their conditioning coach, Mistress Bob, says “will be different” as he/she/it will be withholding on the nipple pinchers until mid season at the earliest. Whatever turns your rack there, Bob…er… master…er… whatever! | Remaining at safe distance behind DA, are the Pirouetting Pork-loins of Prancing Pigskin Panzies, who rip off two straight wins this week, rendering a virtual stranglehold onto second place in the division. The Bouncing Bacon bash division foe The Boomers, as well as frying Rolls Con opponent, the A. S. Sofa Kings. The PPP coach, Jimmy Dean, commenting on his team’s two game winning streak, said that his boys “seem to now know which side their bacon is fried” and that they should be “in the gravy for the rest of the season”. For some reason, the Pigskin squad tends to blanche when their coach talks to the press. Go figure… In the battle for early season entry into the Not So Great But Better Than A Sharp Pointy Thing In The Rump PlayoffsTM, the Misguided Microbes of Bad News Bacteria infect division rival and just awful fashion statement, Molly Ringwald Fan Club, 105-104 The BNB coach tried to signal his post-game comments, but his cilia were still not long enough, even after the grafting experiment. The Romulan Division race heats up as the Bobo Billionaires, Highly Paid Dumb Guys, take one of two games this week opening the door for runners up, Red Storm Rising to pull within a game of first place! This, you say, is way too early in the season for this type of manufactured drama! Well, yes, of course it is, but we’re fairly bored with this week’s news cap thing and just wanted to write anything that would break the monotony. Anyway, suffice it to say we’re half expecting that HPDG will also hit their mid-season swoon, join Disciplinary Action in a nice, but expensive dark leather room and work it out for themselves. Meanwhile, Red Storm Rising pounds (as only Jeannie can) division foe and really dull party squad, Body Count 110-107, as well as schools Rolls Division cuddly cubs, F’ing Koalas, 110-45. The Big Red Effect takes home a Dr. Tom for their trouble as well as a nice tree bark recipe from the home team’s caterer. The Calculating Corpses were off of their game this week, dropping out of the ranks of the unbeaten with two losses. Their newly undead coach suggested that it must be the new embalming fluid they have been using. On that vein we mercifully bury this week’s edition of the weekly wrap up. Waiter, another “Embalm Bomb” please, with a twist! Make it a double, please! |
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| NFL Note of the Week
New York – The National Football League and China Central Television (CCTV) have reached a groundbreaking agreement that will culminate in the live broadcast of this season’s Super Bowl, the NFL and CCTV announced today. CCTV-5, China's only 24-hour terrestrial sports channel that is broadcast nationwide, will televise Super Bowl XXXIX live to more than 300 million households throughout mainland China. Kickoff for the NFL’s Title game is set for 5:25 p.m. local time on Sunday, February 1, which will be 7:25 a.m. on Monday in China. China's other sport channels are non-terrestrial? That must be one amazing satellite dish.
| Free Bonus NFL Note of the Week
Arizona Cardinals - CB David Macklin will be participating in the event "Milk & Cookies" at P.T. Coe Elementary School in Phoenix, Arizona from 11:00 a.m. - noon. Macklin will read books to approximately 50 children. After reading, Macklin and team mascot Big Red will eat cookies and drink milk with children from P.T. Coe Elementary School. Afterwards, Macklin will be participating in the event “Nap Time”
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| On the Game of Inches
Note to self: next time, fall forward. On Youth… or Not (Part 1) Dick Vermeil regarding questionable clock management at the end of the Houston game "Every once in a while I think dementia is setting in early” Dick, you’re a thousand years old. Its not early. On Thinking Vinnie Testaverde on his week 2 performance versus the Browns "The bottom line is winning games and playing smart. I did one out of the two." True healing only begins with recognition that you have a problem... On Hygiene Jon Gruden regarding the difficulty in parting with beloved players in the cap era: "Backlash is putting it mildly. We lost John. We lost Warren. It was very, very hard. There are some things you don't like to be a part of. You feel guilty. You feel dirty.” Even worse, you feel 0 and 3
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On Firing on No Cylinders
| Jeff Garcia regarding his 0.0 quarterback rating against the Cowboys in week 2: “Anytime you experience a low like what we went through and like I went through last Sunday, you look forward to that next opportunity to turn things around. I have no doubt in my mind that I’ll be a better player this week.” A safe bet even if only from a purely mathematical point of view On Youth… or Not (Part 2) Brian Billick talking about the injury to Deion Sanders who apparently hurt himself covering Plaxico Burress without any actual physical contact: "When you're 50 years old, you're going to be questionable every week. When you're that old and played this long, questionable is pretty good." One wonders if maybe Billick wasn't consulted about making Prime Time a Raven...
Dennis Erickson after a 34-0 drubbing at the hands of the Seahawks: “That is what I would say is just a flat ass-kicking” It’s bad enough to lose by 34 points. But to go though life with a flat ass too? On Being There Daryl "Moose" Johnston arguing whether the Eagles have an unconventional blitz package: "They are not unconventional. They just do things differently". That statement is not gibberish. It just doesn't make any sense. |
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| Next Week in DaGFFL Newsletter
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