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Cake Walk
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Is that a bamboo shoot or are you just happy to see me?
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Did all two of you miss us? We of your super secret Kommisch office were out on a super secret mission of absolutely no importance to national security. However, important it was to the well being of the fantasy football players in our own back yard (sometime we should really dig them up before it snows) We well know how the rigors of a grueling fantasy season can wear on even the most macho coach potato. We feel your pain, as the remote grows heavy in your swollen palm, waiting for anything to stop the relentless pressure of the season in full weight bearing swing. Well, our multi-week hiatus is finally over. The secrecy, the cloak-n-dagger intrigue can be dispensed with and the truth of our absence can now be revealed. We of your always-diligent Fantasy Owner Care Crew™ have been spanning-the-globe for mid-season relief for all of you vexed Desperate House People. We have obtained, from the far reaches of the WWW, new and exotic talent, qwesting for extraordinary and mutli-talented models for this year’s CheeseCake Issue™!
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Ta Da indeed!
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Yes, bikini buffs, we have spared no expense in searching high and low, thick and thin, Heather and Yuan to find the sharpest and most intelligent beauties ever to grace the virtual pages of any FFL Newsletter! We stand firm…yes we do…in our conviction (5-10 with time off for good behavior) that this year’s Issue will be our best yet. So without any continued foreplay we, of your HIGH & LOFTY™ Kommisches office bring to you, our panting public, this year’s long awaited and shortly produced: Da Great FFL’s 2004 Offishal CheeseCake Issue for 2004!!! Ta Da!
This year we have assembled a high quality cast of barely legal babes, scrumptious sirens bodacious Ta-Tas (and very beefy beefcake for our women owners) to daintily dally over. So sit back with your Viagra cock-tale and enjoy!
Winning and Other Trivial Matters
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A different kind of tight end |
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Several contests were launched in the Weak 5 issue. While Weak Six is pretty much ancient history at this point, most of those contests were actually won and some small amount of acknowledgement is likely appropriate.
Seemingly Senseless Awards©
The annual “Richard Gere Eat Your Heart Out”™ Award was awarded to the week’s highest scoring Tight End. In Week 6, it was Tony Gonzalez of the Better-Outscore-Em Chefs who showed special ability to shake his groove thing, bringing home the Gere aware for his Cadillac owners Red Storm Rising and the Rolls owners DDT’s Goalline Wizzzards.
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I can kick zee touchdown! |
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The equally annual Big Foot™ Award went to the week’s highest scoring kicker. In week 6 it was David Akers of the Philadelphia Eagles (home of the league's nakedest cheerleaders). In DaGFFL terms, that means Da Boot will be awarded to KAOS Unlimited - on the sly of course - and DrunkenFightingIrish.
In the first-ever Find the Quotes We Made Up contest there were, much to everyone's surprise, actual entries. As in plural, entries, not entry. And that's even after we disallowed Dave the Editor's guesses. On the down side, no one correctly guessed any of the made up quotes. Conclusion - everyone found the following to be quite believable:
- Mike Shanahan would string together six consecutive cliches without taking a breath
- Dave Wannstedt would spew utter gibberish for about a paragraph (okay, we would have believed that one too)
- Norv Turner would refer to his Raiders as "a great big bag of dumb, except for the stupid parts"
If we do this contest again we'll apparently need to avoid parodying head coaches (as well as come up with a much snappier contest name). Since everyone tied with zero right answers, the first entry is the winner, and that was submitted by Kit Marcy. He will therefore be gifted with some valued yet utterly valueless No-Prize™ that we'll scour from the bottom of Dave's bottomless prize closet.
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Shocking! Scandalous!
This week's NFL Note is, as always, actual unedited text taken from an official NFL website - in this case, NFLMedia.com. The letter itself is not very funny - but wait - the pictures in this article are also actual unedited images taken directly from an official NFL website (http://www.philadelphiaeagles.com). The letter is long, and a few paragraphs had to be removed for space reasons.
Out of Bounds
By DAN ROONEY
Pittsburgh
I have been fortunate to spend my entire life in professional football. I have seen the National Football League grow from a struggling operation to its current position of extraordinary popularity.
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Another position of popularity
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But this popularity and respect have a downside. There are so many people who want to take advantage of our huge television audience: advertisers, the networks that carry the games, even individuals in the league itself. That was the case earlier this week when ABC used "Monday Night Football" to promote one of its prime-time soap operas.
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Hey kids - come give your Aunt Aubrey a hug!
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The promotional video that ABC broadcast at the opening of the game generated an incredibly strong reaction. In the video, a star of one of ABC's programs emerged from the locker-room shower, took off her towel and leaped into a player's arms. At the Steelers offices (and at those of most other N.F.L. teams), we were flooded with phone calls and e-mail messages protesting the video's salacious content. Many of those fans said they were watching with their children and did not expect to see such material.
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I am NOT naked. I'm wearing a hat.
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The league headquarters acknowledged that the fans who contacted us were correct. ABC's judgment was miserable. The opening was out of place and should not have been part of the broadcast.
I thought it was disgraceful. Worst was that it used one of our players in uniform in the locker room - who claimed that "the team's going to have to win without me." That is not N.F.L. football. The Steelers, and the 31 other clubs that make up the league, are a team. We play as a team. This promotion simply did not belong in that context, and that's what sparked my reaction.
The incident has also led to dialogue on a wide range of other issues and questions. One of those questions is, what does the N.F.L. represent?
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Good question Dan. We've got one - how many hours will young Eagles fans spend holding up this picture with one hand?
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The National Football League sits atop football, but the league's values have their roots in football at many other levels, in Pennsylvania and in thousands of communities across America. Its values are nourished in urban, suburban and rural communities; in thousands of football teams, leagues, and organizations; and with millions of coaches, players, and parents at the youth level.
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A joke about performance excellence would be just too easy
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Our game represents special values: tough but fair competition on a level playing field, teamwork, an extraordinary work ethic and a diverse meritocracy. We represent achievement and excellence based on performance, not on extraneous outside personal factors.
Going forward, we have to stay true to what we are - the game of football - and not succumb to the pressure of outsiders to be something else. We also need to hold ourselves accountable and speak out when we see another team, player or official do or say anything that could harm the league's standing with our fans.
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I have family values right here in my pants
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Our ultimate goal has always been, and will continue to be, to ensure that the N.F.L. is respected throughout America and viewed as an organization that positively influences millions of Americans of all ages and all walks of life. That is the N.F.L. that I know. Now we all have to live up to it.
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Clicking in Paradise
This is the part of the issue where a columnist is supposed to make lots of double-entendre jokes about how difficult it is to travel to exotic foreign locations and sip mai-tais while slipping surreptitious glances through dark glasses at supermodels in various stages of undress.
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Fortunately, in image one the bikini is still on
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Yeah, that would suck.
But your ever-lovin' DaGFFL Newsletter editors are not exactly living the Life of Reilly. Yet, the assignment still seemed to be more appealing than the usual: spend hours searching the web for images of attractive scanty clads.
Hmmm, thinks I, the DaGFFL Newsletter desk is hardly an exotic locale, but I don't have to clear a seccurity checkpoint to fly there. No mai-tais either, but a splash of Jack Daniel's finest makes a quite suitable substitute. And I don't have to surreptitiously glance at anything; you're supposed to look at the pictures. As directly and impolitely as you please. And if a few small spittles of drool escape, well, no one will notice or care.
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Yes ladies, I hated it, but its your issue too
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Bravely I browse my way to the Google image search and enter "bikini". Whoa - 360,000 hits! It would be awful if I had to look at all of them, right? But wait... most of the girls are not actually wearing the entire bikini. What are those two girls doing? And why do I have to spend $29.99 a month to see the full-size picture?
After about a dozen (closely examined) pages it slowly seeps in that "bikini" is apparently a special internet code word that means "pay money to see me naked". This clearly requires closer investigation.
Four hours later, I wake up from a sort of semi-hynotic daze to realize that I have exactly one photo I can use (black bikini, above). The DaGFFL Newsletter is many things, and most of them are bad, but still it is not a porn site.
Time for a change in strategy. Focus, that's what I need, focus! And then it hits me. DaGFFL Newsletter is about football. There is plenty of cheesecake in football. Cheerleader cheesecake. Lingerie Bowl cheesecake. Maybe I can even find some (ick) hunky NFL players for the ladies.
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You'd think a defensive end would be... bigger
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With a new plan, I leap back into the internet bitstream with renewed vigor searching for "cheerleader bikini". Whoops. "Cheerleader" appears to be another one of those internet code words that lead to a very loose definition of "wearing" the bikini, or for that matter, any clothing whatsoever.
"Cheerleader swimsuit" - nope, that toy did NOT come from the Walmart kids section. "Fully-dressed cheerleader" gets no results at all. Guess no one wants to see them with their clothes on. "Dressed cheerleader" - oops, apparently also matches the phrases "half-dressed cheerleader" as well as "not-at-all-dressed cheerleader". "Official cheeleader" - I'm getting warm, one of the cheerleaders is actually a real cheerleader. "Denver Bronco cheerleader" - well that one worn-looking blonde is cheering, sort of, but... wait! There's a bikini! With an attractive person still inside of it! Pointing to the 2004 Broncos Cheerleaders Calendar!
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You would not believe where I had to go to find this
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It's a gold mine. From the Broncos calendar I jump to the Dolphins, and then the Eagles, and all too soon I have more images than I can possibly use. And all of them except the black bikini are real bona fide football cheesecake.
Leaving me with one last task, one far worse than wading through porn for hours, one that I have been dreading all day: hunk finding. Why, oh why do we have to live in an age of equality!
But so it goes in the high-stakes world of newsletter editoring. Squinting as hard as I can, I try to sort of look at the results without actually seeing them. As one would expect, that was not particularly effective, and soon I am forced to actually look with both eyes.
I have now done three things that I would never have thought I would consider. In descending order of depraved severity:
- I've Googled the phrase "shirtless hunk" (imagine the spam I'll be getting now)
- I've visited sites that can best be described as "heterosexuality-challenged"
- Worst of all, I spent 30 minutes at OaklandRaiders.com, trying to find a shirtless Raider for the misguided Raider-loving half of our female ownership. And for naught! No shirtless Raiders exist. Mugshots, sure, but not a single beefcake shot. Sorry Neli, I tried.
I feel dirty. Dave, next year YOU find the hunks. Meanwhile, I'm going to have to spend a couple more hours Googling "bikini cheerleader".
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The Part That Actually Matters
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Koalanalysis
It is the closest final week in the history of Koalanalysis. The KoalaSuperComputer threatened to walk right out of the data center when it became apparent that one scenario exists where all six teams on the cusp could end up tied at 9-13-1.
This much we know: Ten teams are in. Four teams are out. Six others vie for the final playoof berths:
| x-Blitzed | Clinched Klingon Runnerup |
| y-Body Count | Clinched Romulan Championship |
| Bono | Takes 6th seed playoof berth by defeating PsyKlones and KAOS plus KAOS loses to SofaKings plus Boomers defeat Ringwald and lose to DFI while Ringwald loses to Wizzzards plus one Panzies loss |
| (other scenarios may exist) |
| Boomers | Takes Ferengi Runnerup by defeating Ringwald plus win other game plus two Bacteria losses plus one Panzies loss or tie |
| Takes 6th seed playoof berth by defeating Ringwald plus Bono defeats KAOS plus Bono, KAOS, Ringwald and Panzies all lose their other games |
| (other scenarios exist) |
| x-DFI | Clinched at least 6th seed playoof berth |
| Takes 5th seed with two wins plus two MacsMMMs losses |
| y-Disciplinary | Clinched Ferengi Championship |
| x-DumbGuys | Clinched at least 5th seed playoof berth |
| Takes Romulan Runnerup by defeating RedStorm OR any one win OR any Redstorm loss or tie |
| z-Elvis | It's better than a Sharp Pointy Thing in the rump |
| KAOS | Takes 6th seed playoof berth with two wins plus one Ringwald loss |
| (other scenarios exist) |
| z-Koalas | It's better than having to go to the DMV |
| x-MacsMMMs | Clinched at least 6th seed playoof berth |
| Takes Federation Championship with two wins plus two Pluto losses plus one X-Blues loss or tie |
| Takes Federation Runnerup with two wins plus one X-Blues loss or tie OR one win or tie plus two X-Blues losses OR one win plus two X-Blues ties |
| Takes 5th seed playoof berth with one win or tie |
| Panzies | Takes Ferengi Runnerup with two wins plus two Bacteria losses plus one Ringwald loss |
| Takes 6th seed playoof berth with two wins plus one Ringwald loss plus one KAOS loss or tie |
| (other scenarios exist) |
| x-Pluto | Clinched at least 6th seed playoof berth |
| Takes Federation Championship by defeating or tying MacsMMMs OR by defeating Panzies OR any MacsMMMs loss or tie plus any X-Blues loss or tie |
| z-Psyklones | It's better than a double root canal |
| x-RedStorm | Clinched at least 5th seed playoof berth |
| Takes Romulan Runnerup by defeating DumbGuys plus one other win plus one other DumbGuys loss |
| Ringwald | Takes Ferengi Runnerup with two wins plus two Bacteria losses |
| Takes 6th seed playoof berth with two wins |
| (other scenarios exist) |
| z-Sofa Kings | It's better than having to search the internet for hunks |
| y-Wizzzards | Clinched Klingon Championship |
| x-XBlues | Clinched at least 5th seed playoof berth |
| Takes Federation Championship with two wins plus two Pluto losses |
| Takes Federation Runnerup with two wins OR one win plus one MacsMMMs loss OR two MacsMMMs losses |
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x-playoof berth
y-division champion
z-toilet bowler
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Key Games
Highly Paid Dumb Guys @ Red Storm Rising
KAOS Unlimited @ Bono's Kuckoos Nest
Molly Ringwald Fan Club @ Boomers
Players From Pluto @ Mac's Mighty Maniac Marauders
Tiebreakers
| | Blitzed | vs | Wizzzards |
| Head-to-Head | 1-1 | | 1-1 |
| Division record | 2-6 | | 6-1 (plays Elvis week 12) |
| Common opponent | 15-4 | | 18-2 |
| Edge | | | Wizzzards |
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| | DFI | vs | MacsMMMs |
| Head-to-Head | 1-0 | | 0-1 |
| Edge | DFI | | |
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| | DFI | vs | X-Blues |
| Head-to-Head | 0-0 | | 0-0 |
| Division record | 4-3 | | 1-6 |
| Edge: | | | X-Blues |
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| | DFI | vs | MacsMMMs | vs | X-Blues | | |
| Head-to-Head | 1-0 | | 0-3 | | 2-0 | | |
| Edge: | MacsMMMs drop out, re-resolve as DFI vs X-Blues | | |
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| | MacsMMMs | vs | X-Blues |
| Head-to-Head | 0-2 | | 2-0 |
| Edge | | | X-Blues |
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| | MacsMMMs | vs | Pluto |
| Head-to-Head | 1-0* | | 0-1 (teams play week 12) |
| Division record | 3-4 | | 4-3 |
| Edge | Decided wk12 | | |
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| | MacsMMMs | vs | Pluto | vs | X-Blues | | |
| Head-to-Head | 2-1 | | 2-1 | | 4-0 | | |
| Edge | | | | | X-Blues | | |
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| | Bacteria | vs | Ringwald |
| Head-to-Head | 1-1 | | 1-1 |
| Division record | 4-4 | | 2-5 |
| Edge: | Bacteria | | |
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| | Bacteria | vs | Panzies |
| Head-to-Head | 2-0 | | 0-2 |
| Edge: | Bacteria | | |
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In the end, referee decisions will be final |
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| | Bacteria | vs | Boomers |
| Head-to-Head | 1-1 | | 1-1 |
| Division record | 4-4 | | 4-3 (plays Ringwald week 12) |
| Common opponent | 9-12 | | 6-13 |
| Edge | Decided wk12 | | |
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| | Bacteria | vs | KAOS |
| Head-to-Head | 0-0 | | 0-0 |
| Division record | 4-4 | | 3-4 (plays Bono week 12) |
| Common opponent | N/A | | N/A (all games vs common opp.) |
| Total Points | 1129 | | 982 |
| Edge: | Decided wk12 | | |
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Yipping Ankle-Biters Unite!
Yes, they're small, high-strung, and highly annoying - but profitable!
DaGFFL posts a cash bounty, the Snarling Poodle Award©, in weeks 9-12 of the regular season for all teams that defeat someone three or more games better in the standings.
So even if your team sucks, cheer up! Snarling Poodles© are worth $5 or $10 depending on conference! Look how they are adding up!
Fine Print: Payout is subject there being enough money in the FA pool - and so far there has always been plenty.
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| Week 9 | | |
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| Koalas (2-13) | def. | Panzies (6-8) |
| Ringwald (5-10) | def. | RedStorm (9-6) |
| DFI (7-8) | def. | MacsMMMs (10-5) |
| SofaKings (1-14) | def. | Boomers (6-9) |
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Snarl! Snap!
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| Week 10 | | |
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| Bono (5-12) | def. | Wizzzards (16-1) |
| PsyKlones (6-10) | def. | DumbGuys (12-5) |
| Koalas (3-14) | def. | MacsMMMs (11-6) |
| Elvis (5-12) | def. | X-Blues (10-7) |
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| Week 11 | | |
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| KAOS (6-13) | def. | RedStorm (11-8) |
| Koalas (4-15) | def. | PsyKlones (7-11) |
| Koalas (4-15) | def. | DFI (9-10) |
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| | Bacteria | vs | Bono |
| Head-to-Head | 1-0 | | 0-1 |
| Edge: | Bacteria | | |
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| | Ringwald | vs | Panzies |
| Head-to-Head | 1-1 | | 1-1 |
| Division record | 2-5 | | 2-5 (both have wk12 div. games) |
| Common Opponent | 8-12 | | 6-21-1 |
| Total Points | 981 | | 904 |
| Edge | Decided wk12 | | |
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| | Ringwald | vs | Boomers |
| Head-to-Head | 0-1 | | 1-0 (teams play week 12) |
| Division record | 2-5 | | 4-3 |
| Edge | | | Boomers |
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| | Ringwald | vs | KAOS |
| Head-to-Head | 1-0 | | 0-1 |
| Edge | Ringwald | | |
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| | Ringwald | vs | Bono |
| Head-to-Head | 0-0 | | 0-0 |
| Division record | 2-5 | | 1-6 (both have wk12 div. games) |
| Common opponent | N/A | | N/A (all games vs common opp.) |
| Total Points | 981 | | 891 |
| Edge | Decided wk12 | | |
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| | Panzies | vs | Boomers |
| Head-to-Head | 1-1 | | 1-1 |
| Division record | 2-5 | | 4-3 |
| Edge | | | Boomers |
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| | Panzies | vs | KAOS |
| Head-to-Head | 1-0 | | 0-1 |
| Edge | Panzies | | |
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| | Panzies | vs | Bono |
| Head-to-Head | 1-1 | | 1-1 |
| Division record | 2-5 | | 1-6 (both have wk12 div. games) |
| Common opponent | 6-12-1 | | 6-13 |
| Total Points | 904 | | 891 |
| Edge | Decided wk12 | | |
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| | Boomers | vs | KAOS |
| Head-to-Head | 1-1 | | 1-1 |
| Division record | 4-3 | | 3-4 (both have wk12 div. games) |
| Common opponent | 6-13 | | 6-13 |
| Total Points | 1026 | | 982 |
| Edge | Decided wk12 | | |
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| | Boomers | vs | Bono |
| Head-to-Head | 1-0 | | 0-1 |
| Edge | Boomers | | |
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| | KAOS | vs | Bono |
| Head-to-Head | 1-0 | | 0-1 (teams play week 12) |
| Division record | 4-3 | | 1-6 |
| Edge | KAOS | | |
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| | DumbGuys | vs | RedStorm |
| Head-to-Head | 1-0 | | 0-1 (teams play week 12) |
| Division record | 1-6 | | 3-4 |
| Edge | DumbGuys | | |
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| | Bacteria | vs | Ringwald | vs | Panzies | | |
| Head-to-Head | 3-1 | | 2-2 | | 1-3 | | |
| Edge | Bacteria | | |
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| | Bacteria | vs | Ringwald | vs | Panzies | vs | Boomers |
| Head-to-Head | 4-2 | | 2-3* | | 2-4 | | 2-3* (teams play week 12) |
| Edge | Bacteria OR Panzies and Ringwald drop out, re-resolve as Bactera vs Boomers | | |
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| | Bacteria | vs | Ringwald | vs | Boomers | | |
| Head-to-Head | 3-1 | | 1-2* | | 2-1* (teams play week 12) | | |
| Edge | Bacteria OR Ringwald drops out, re-resolve as Bacteria vs Boomers | | |
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| | Ringwald | vs | Boomers | vs | KAOS | vs | Bono |
| Head-to-Head | 1-1* | | 3-1* | | 2-2* | | 0-2* |
| Edge | Winner of Ringwald @ Boomers wk12 | | | | | | |
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Around the League
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Dave, We Hardly Knew Ye
(Editorial)
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Dave Wannstedt R.I.P.
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It is with a heavy heart indeed that DaGFFL Newsletter announces the departure of one of our most beloved, if entirely unintentional, contributors; former Miami Dolphins coach Dave Wannstedt.
What do you say about a man who meant so much? He was our go-to guy, the one man who was guaranteed to provide a quote so completely meaningless that it ridiculed itself. Need three inches of column space? Facing a creativity block? Simple; find a Wannstedt press conference transcript. It didn't matter which one, they were all gold.
Hoping for one final piece of Wannstedt magic, we frantically scoured his exit press briefing, certain that he would come through for us one last time, but alas, he was actually coherent throughout. Perhaps removing the duties of head coaching also relieved pressures in his cranial speech center. Or, more likely, he was reading from a script (that one would assume someone else wrote).
Either way, it was a sad and empty taste of the Wannstedt-less life to come. Please Dave, come coach the Raiders or Chefs or someone. The Newsletter just won't be the same without you.
Like We Could Make This Up
On Patience as a Virtue
Marques Tuiasosopo, Raiders backup regarding the prospect of replacing a struggling Kerry Collins: "I don't think there's a controversy right now. I'm the No. 2. I'll prepare each week like I have for four years. My time will come. Until I'm told otherwise, I'll support Kerry all the way."
Nothing like a guy who supports you until he's told not to...
On taking mandatory cliche class
Notoriously disgruntled Corey Dillon after a week 9 win by his new team, the Patriots:
"I'm just here to do my part and help the team win. Everybody stepped up after last week."
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Jeez, Warren, we can find your end from here
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As long as my part involves me getting at least 25 touches...
On the Richard Gere award
Warren Sapp after a serious Bronco spanking in week 6: "All of a sudden they got the boot going. We couldn't find the tight end, and all hell broke loose. We had no answer for anything they did today."
Maybe you could find your end if you used both hands?
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I have no relevance to anything on this page and am purely gratuitous
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On the "I" thats not in Team
Deion Sanders, returning his first interception after rejoining the NFL: "It felt good. It really did. At breakfast this morning I told the guys, 'When I get into the end zone stand back and let me dance first. Then you can congratulate me."'
Veterans get to congratulate me first. Then the rookies get to congratulate me. Then the coaches.
On carpetbagging
Steve McNair, the NFL's 2003 co-MVP, on the Titans getting thrashed in week 7: "We've got to reach back and find the old Titans, because right now we're not a great football team"
If you reach back far enough, you'll strike Oilers!
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Parcells is ... no, wait, its Deion, he's... oh hell I give up. I'm gratuitous too
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On being off - of everything
Jim Hazlett discussing Deuce Mcallister's production dropoff: "I don't really see him doing what he's done in the past and that's put his foot on the ground and run"
I hate it when he just floats off the ground like that
On bringing the s'mores
"We never get tired of dominating someone," said Denver safety John Lynch, gleefully discussing a week 6 win over the Raiders, "We were talking about it every down in the huddle in the second half: 'Keep them down, keep them down, keep them down."'
Must be the linebacker equivalent of holding hands and singing Kumbayah
On honesty
Bill Parcells on losing to Cincinatti: "I really don't have much to say, fellows, except we were poorly prepared, we played poorly, we were inefficient and we were just awful."
But other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
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You mean this guy here would do something unusual? This guy? In this pic?
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On something anyway, must be
Ricky Williams when asked if he quit the NFL because he wanted to be free to smoke dope: "I try not to get too involved in what other people think about me. I think it's funny"
Man that is just soo funny... I can't stop smiling... really, I can't... got any chips?
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Next Week
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The Stupor Bowl Play-oof Dreaded Brackets of Doom!
The Toilet Bowl Play-oof Dreaded Brackets of Darn!
See ya in the Play-oofs!
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