Weak One

Yes sports fans the time has come for us to celebrate the commencement of the golden age in sports! We, of your celebratory Kommisch office wish to start off this red-letter date by recognizing its importance to the world. Are we referring to Weak One of Da Great Fantasy Football 2004 season? Oh contraire, mon sports geeks! No! We wish to celebrate and observe the passing of the torch from NHL Hockey to Arena Football as the distant number four sport in hearts and minds. By staying totally naive regarding their actual popularity and bickering over placement of the deck chairs, these oh-so-many denizens of their ice covered Titanic, have strummed their death knell by striking/locking out their status as a major league sport. They do not recognize that the sport has many problems that need to be addressed along with the ever-present money issue. Thus they send their popularity to the depths of purgatory, where only fools and weird-looking fish dwell.

Alas, we look forward to a spring of watching the Crush and the Rattlers along with our very own Nuggets. In the meantime, we revel in the stupendious-non-stop-action-packed-never-ending-balls-to-the-wall-action-you-pay-the-big-bucks-for-that isn’t fantasy football! And as always we are right there with you, intrepid fantasy geeks!

So without further proselytizing, coming to you live, in-living dogma, from a bully pulpit near you, we bring you the sacred, sacramental results of Weak One! Ta da!

In This Issue! Nothing fattening! Nothing sexual! Nothing exciting! Nothing stimulating! Nothing of social value!

Highspeed Bandwagon

Here we are, one week into the NFL season, and we apparently have already crowned 16 Super Bowl champions, while 16 other downtrodden franchises will have to wait for next year.

One side effect of the amazing explosion of sports reporting is the equally astonishing growth rate of bad sports reporting. With hundreds of voices speaking at the same time - in print, on the web, on TV - it gets harder and harder to attract attention. One could take the approach of working more diligently; doing more research, working more phones, polishing the prose. Naw, that's too hard. Let's just make some crap up, take some extreme position, and use lots of exclamation points!

Consider the following. How do these guys get so far on - or off - the bandwagon in one game?

Jason Whitlock, KC Star: "We've seen this before. We've seen the Chiefs' defense stare opportunity in the face and blow it. We've seen Dick Vermeil place faith in his defense only to be let down time and time again... There's reason to believe the offense will rebound. The defense is a different story — the same old one.

Thomas Boswell, Washington Post: "As the Redskins poured back into their locker room after a bruising, grinding 16-10 victory over Tampa Bay in the kind of bludgeoning tests of wills that the team won so frequently in the long-ago era of Joe Gibbs, they were greeted at the door by their new head coach. And, lo and behold, the jubilant old guy, grabbing them each in turn, was the 63-year-old Gibbs himself... Most important, however, the Redskins may have begun the long process of reclaiming their old identity. In those bygone days, when the game was on the line, they smashed foes in the mouth then got a hug from Joe."

Joe Posnanski, KC Star: "Well, folks, buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy season... They were lucky they had Priest Holmes. Otherwise, this one could have really been humiliating... The real problem was nobody made plays. And for most of this game, Priest Holmes was on his own... Holmes vs. the world. Priest Holmes has said that he might be interested in trying to break Eric Dickerson's rushing record. You know what? He might need to do just that. He might need to break his own touchdown record. He might need to do a lot of things, because after watching Sunday night's game, it looks pretty clear: He is the Chiefs only hope.

Michael Wilbon, Washington Post: Now we know why Gregg Williams has such a long and rather exalted title: "Assistant Head Coach-Defense." It's like X-treme Defense... Gibbs is a very, very smart coach. He might not deserve credit for the defense, but he stalked and hired Williams... And with that autonomy, Williams demonstrated yesterday against Tampa Bay he plans on doing exactly what he did as a head coach in Buffalo, as a defensive coordinator for the Titans, as one of Buddy Ryan's most highly regarded lieutenants. He attacks.

Rolls Conference

2003 Champion and Harry Potter look-a-like, DDT’s Goalline Wizzzards start out 2004 like they finished…with a stupendous thaumaturgic blast toward this week’s foe, the Soaring Songking, Flying Elvis, 135-107, in a contest that was marred by the loud croaking emitted from the polymorphed-into-toads Elvi bench. All was not lost as the cheerleading squad nursed the toad-rendered players back to health, hoping to find a prince among the reptiles but alas, they were left with only The King.

Reporting in with the conference Weekly High Score are the Goosesteping Gashers of Blitzed, who affected their patented Blitzkreig Blistering Barrage onto weak 1 foe, the Always Surprising PsyKlones, 139-79. The PsyKlones, surprising themselves this week by not scoring 20 points, were buoyed somewhat by the performance of their distant atmospheric anomaly cousins, Charlie, Frances, and Ivan who have flatten opponents in their recent tilts. The Blitzed were incensed by the apparently unflattering appraisal of them by our very own Dr. G in our preseason newsletter (on sale at a penitentiary near you) and thus dedicated the season to dissing him as often as possible. The resulting Dr. Tom Osborne fine is Dr. G’s way of dissing back.

Moving onto another world, the Purple People of the Players From Pluto, pasted and pounded the poor participants of a gamey, F'ing Koalas squad, 125-61, earning themselves a well-served Tommy Osborne for their trouble. The Bugged-eyed Bowsers start the year off in heavy rolling pin form. (Subtle reference to a previous year award…for any of you not in the know please write your Kommish admin office for an explanation…this of course is a sinister and sneaky way to determine which three of you actually read this dribble-Ed) The Koalas Koach, Baleu was quoted at his post game conference that his team “has to go back to the Bear Necessities.” Whatever that means…

Moving up to the Rolls Conference and making a big farting noise, are the Barco Bouncers of the A.S, Sofa Kings who recline perennial league 12-step candidate, DrunkenFightingIrish, 105-95. The Kings managed to get oof their couch to score two players with over 20 points each. The Kings coach, Coach Potatoe suggested that this week’s performance was due to “weak bladders after the previous night’s beer binge. They figured they might as well score a damn touchdown on their way back to the Black Leather Sectional with the matching Ottoman.” The Irish coach, was quoted at the postgame conference: “Whazzat? -hic- A beeer bashz? -slurp, blech, grunt- Whenre? Whoz? -hic- -barrtfz- Hoza wez wert invitedz? -Ic- “ and then promptly passed out in the postgame Crab Dip.

Wrapping up the Costly Conference was the weakly fought tilt between two teams who did not really seem to want to emerge victorious. The Deceased Doorstops of the X-Norwegian Blues stiffed the Puritanical Pirates of Macs Morose Marauders 83-80, in a game that sent 30 spectators to the hospital due to complete system shutdown caused by boredom. To say that watching the Best of My Mother the Car Marathon is more compelling is an understatement. One positive(?) note was that the Broken Buccaneers left only 2 points on the bench. A sure sign of great coaching or a pitiful roster, Macs MMMs coach, Jolly Roger, has petitioned to the Pope for divine intervention and an exorcism.

Caddy Conference

Leading the way for a Conference Weakly High Score for the Cheaper Con this week was long time league vet and Better Homes and Gardens Poster Couple, The Boomers who snipped a very talented, but microscopic gang of gridironcoccus, Bad News Bacteria 140-131. The Whine and Roses squad rode the back of six players in double figures led by Ahman “Do I Look Good in Green?” Green’s 32 fantasy points. The Boomers coaches could not be reached for comment as they were off indulging in their own particular fantasy…different…very different… The Pugilent Petredish Protozoa were all disappointed by their loss, an emotion quite advanced for single celled organisms and their coach was heard to comment “we’ll grow from this game and mutate into an even more extrachromosomal undesirable pathogen next game.”

Keep close was the Mathematical Morti of Body Count who buried the Triple P squad of Prancing Pigskin Panzies by a score of 131-84, narrowly avoiding a Dr. Tom fine. The BC GM was quoted as saying: “Arggereh!” when asked about his team’s performance, evidently the speech centers were not connected correctly before the lightning struck Team physician, Dr. Frank N. Stein was unavailable for comment as he was participating in a marathon, leading hundred of peasants who were running with torches and pitchforks, we assume for atmosphere. The Panzie coach was also too busy for comment as he/she/it was endeavoring to re-decorate the locker room with the cast of “Queer Eye for the Queer Guy”.

Never one to miss out on a good drubbing, the Moronic Millionaires of Highly Paid Dumb Guys, purchased a 122-110 shilling onto the Crimson Erection of Red Storm Rising. The HPDG staff was overjoyed by their victory and celebrated by buying all of the team’s cheerleaders dates with the Red Storm squad. This gesture so thoroughly surprised the Storm that they returned the favor by not destroying several trailer parks owned by the HPDGs. No reports have come in as to weather the Storm is related to Charlie, Frances or Ivan. Film at 11:00.

Not showing their most chivalristic manners, Disciplinary Action dumped league renamed newcomer, Molly Ringwald Fan Club, 100-78 in a contest wrought with many bad S&M and lesbian references, too racy to print in this periodical. (For all of the racy references see www.teenagestarsturnedgay.com a free web site for your enjoyment – only $29.95 monthly access fee) We can report that both squads seemed to like being “Pretty in Pink”.

Mercifully, we conclude this week’s wrap-up with league vet and founding member of the “World Domination the World for Fun and Profit” society, Kaos Unlimited who secretly sunk the Nicknameless, Bono's Kuckoos Nest, 71-55. (We of your overworked and under creative Kommisch office are drawing a blank as to an appropriate nickname –or set thereof- for the above team. Please send any ideas to us-Ed). Bono’s OhNos! could not overcome yet another dastardly scheme for global control when KAOS’ new Atomic Laser-guided Brain-Washer hit their bench with the mindless melodies of the Archies and Barry Manilow. As a result Kaos convinced the Kuckoo coach to reallocate their starters, resulting in sitting a devastating conference high of 68 points on the bench. So what if this newcomer starts off slow, they play really good riffs, don’t they?

His helmet thinks it is way too big

On Size Mattering

On Speaking Your Mind

On Pointing Fingers

On the Quarterback Shuffle

On the Inside

On Dreams