2004 Season Preview



Yes, sports fans, while nestled on our brand new Sofa King barco lounger and beer cooler combo, watching the re-runs of the National Chipmunk Water Skiing finals, it occurred to us that WE could be more productive, be a benefit to society, help mankind for coming generations. But instead, WE thought it would be a groovy thing to actually use our highly educated (6th grade) and over-indulged (too much CineMax) minds and inflict our mindless dribble on the unsuspecting masses of Da GFFL! So in a flurry of journalistic diarrhea, proving that your ever robust Kommisch office truly has no life, we bring you the 2004 Da Great FFL pre-season newsletter!

Ta da!Ta! Da!

In this issue, we bring you startling revelations with little consequence and social significance… The great and psychic Dr. G confounds us with his picks for both the NFL and, more importantly, the DaGFFL! We handicap the league by printing too many newsletters and rank the very rankest of the teams by ranking! Finally we offer a shameless homer article with heartfelt overtones and really cheesy music playing in the background (due to budget constraints, please feel free to provide your own cheesy music -hum to yourself, play the soundtrack to “Arthur”, etc.- as the website was going to charge us extra for the cheesy music option).

So without further mindless dither…we present even more mindless dither!

[Warning! The Surgeon General has concluded that reading this content will dwarf the intellect in a way similar to that of a person watching the complete 72 hour Gilligan’s Island marathon while listening to the Absolute Barry Manilow collection in the background. Read at your own risk!]
2003 Final Standings
Roll Royce Conference
  1. DDT's Goalline Wizzzards
  2. Mac's Mighty Maniac Marauders
  3. DrunkenFightingIrish
  4. X-Norwegian Blues
  5. F'ing Koalas
  6. Flying Elvis
  7. Blitzed
  8. Political Roadkill
  9. Players From Pluto
  10. Always Surprising PsyKlones
Cadillac Conference
  1. KAOS Unlimited
  2. Highly Paid Dumb Guys
  3. Bad News Bacteria
  4. A.S. Sofa Kings
  5. Body Count
  6. Boomers
  7. Disciplinary Action
  8. Red Storm Rising
  9. Prancing Pigskin Panzies
  10. Kamikaze Florists
 
Breaking Through the Grass Ceiling

No discussion of the upcoming year would be complete without at least mentioning the most significant event of the past season: the Hall of Fame enshrinement of the first-ever Denver Bronco, our legendary Number 7, John Elway.

The man who could be Colorado Governor pretty much by just saying he wants to be, Elway earned his way in with sixteen seasons of unabated brilliance. To call him the greatest quarterback ever is to assume there is any point in debating that anyone else comes close to his complete abilities and career achievements.

In a surprisingly emotional acceptance speech, Elway expressed dismay that no other Broncos are in the Hall. As he stated, the team with the most Super Bowl appearances in AFC history has to have more than one Hall-worthy player. That is as may be, and one can only hope that other Bronco greats follow – can you say “Shannon Sharpe”?

But read between the lines. The fact is that no other quarterback has ever accomplished so much while surrounded by so little. Three 49ers are in the Hall with Montana – not including first-ballot lock Jerry Rice. There are seven Colts in the Hall from the Unitas era. Otto Graham’s entire team appears to be enshrined along with him. From Denver, there is only Elway.

Those of us who watched, we knew we were seeing something extraordinary. As his career progressed, we came to realize that it was more than extraordinary; this was a truly special quarterback. It wasn’t until he was gone that we realized he was unique.

Thanks again, John, for everything.
 
Dr. G's Preseason Picks and Prognostications
 
NFL Preview: The Opposite of Football
 
  Each year a handful of teams with realistic Super Bowl hopes vie for the NFL Championship, while another, less-heralded handful struggles to achieve a different distinction: the worst team in the league.

Anyone can handicap the winners. Dr. G is the only one bold enough to step up and predict the losers.

Just like winning the Lombardi, being awful requires a total group effort. Starting from the penny-grubbing owner, through the clueless coaching staff, and continuing down to the lowliest me-first third-stringer, everyone must really pull together to be the utter worst. Luck plays a part too - would the Texans have sucked so hard in 2003 without key injuries to almost their entire defense? Well, umm, probably, but that's not the point.

The 2004 season promises another very tight race. A record number of teams have no chance whatsoever to make the playoffs, but there are those that stand out in particular as having spent the offseason succeeding at failure. While this list says a fond farewell to Cincinnati, a surprising newcomer eagerly takes the spot once perennially held by the Bungles:

Why did I come here again? Oh right... money.
#5 Arizona Cardinals
Also known as "the land where no decent free agent dares to tread", this franchise has one playoff appearance in fifty years and a history of futility that rivals the Cubs. The infamously awful ownership finally made a decision based on improving their chances to win - instead of maximizing family income - bringing in Denny Green and giving him free reign over personnel. Their reward: all of the starting skill players except the quarterback will open the season on the injury list.

But it's difficult to feel bad for a front office that once publicly accused fans of disloyalty while at the same time secretly negotiating a move to Los Angeles, and that fought division realignment for years because they wanted to continue the "historic" rivalries with the NFC East. I know I used to stay up late at night just anticipating those bitterly contested Cardinals/Redskins games.

#4 Chicago Bears
So imagine you're Bears management, trying to figure out how to improve your team's horrendous 2003 record. You know your offense was abominable (2003 NFL ranking: 28th) and your defense did reasonably well, ranking 14th in spite of being constantly on the field, generally in awkward positions thanks to the offense's penchant for turning the ball over.

My personal list of choices would not have included "hire a defensive coordinator as the new head coach". But then, what do I know? I wouldn't have even thought of the "use the top two choices - and five of seven overall - on defense" draft strategy.

#3 Houston Texans
The Texans were limited in free agency this year because they are going to have a cap crash next year.
Yeah, our team might be three shades of awful, but we are just killing with the licensed crapola!
Think about it - a team that is only entering its third year of existance is already facing a cap crunch! Charley Casserly, Texans GM, was lauded as a genius when he was hired away from the Redskins to run the new franchise. Column after column applauded his expertise and how he worked his way up through the Redskins organization (I believe he started with the Skins in something like 1904 as an Assistant Cleat Licker).
Casserly is living proof that timing is everything. In the offseason before he took the Texans job, Casserly managed to stick the Panthers with Sean Gilbert, a malcontent headcase holding out because God told him to, while picking up two first round draft picks. This was truly an amazing deal - as in "amazingly stupid by the Panthers" rather than "amazingly brilliant by Casserly". Peter King in particular led the charge to anoint Casserly as official genius due to his role in the this trade, apparently forgetting that Casserly was the Redskins GM for ten years and his reign also included record-setting free agent contracts for Dan Wilkinson and Dana Stubblefield as well as first round draft choice Heath Shuler. And yes, I mean that Heath Shuler.

Let's see... the guys in red and gold are our players, right?
#2 San Francisco 49ers
Recipe for disaster, step 1: cut the greatest receiver in NFL history, because one of your players wants the ball more. Step 2: fire the coach that kept your team competitive through the worst cap crisis in NFL history because that same player doesn't like the coach. Step 3: Alienate your Pro Bowl quarterback to the point where he is no longer effective because that one same player doesn't like the quarterback either. Step 4: Lose the player that you destroyed your team over in return for a fifth-round draft choice.

And what have you cooked up with this recipe? A quarterback who has started seven NFL games throwing to a group of skill players so nondescript they may as well have been randomly selected from the pool of season ticket holders. Garnish with a defense led by "anywhere else he's third-string nickle back" Mike Rumph.

You are going to hear this a lot this season, so let me get my personal version of the lament out of the way now: oh how the mighty have fallen.

#1 San Diego Chargers
Where exactly does one point when illustrating the failures of this organization? Surely the name "Ryan Leaf" has to come up. As do "Rodney Harrison" and "Junior Seau", although these two come with other team names beside them.

Be honest - you're secretly thrilled he's still in the AFC West
Did you know that Drew Brees was once referred to as "the next Brian Giese"? And that this was considered a compliment at the time? Now in eerie prescience, that statement has come to be all too true, and the Bolts are reduced to using the top overall draft pick on the one player - the only player - who has publicly stated he will never play for the Chargers.

But at least they managed to sour their consolation prize, quarterback Phillip Rivers, by negotiating his contract in the press and contributing to a situation so negative that Rivers never took a snap in training camp.

New defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, while fondly looked upon by Denverites, ran the 30th-ranked defense last year in Atlanta. But then, this is the Chargers, and maybe 30th is considered an improvement.

The offensive line has been completely blown up and done over. Only one starter remains, Phil Bogle, but he is moving from right tackle to left guard. All of the other starters are new. The premier free agent pickup, left tackle Roman Oben, is a guy that was not even good enough to start for the New York Giants. Now keep in mind that the Giants had the worst line in football last year (just ask Joe Thiesmann) and then read that last sentence again.

The recent history of Charger choices is just staggering in the consistant, mind-numbing badness of it all. This year is no exception and San Diego is Dr. G's pick for 2004 worst team.
 
DaGFFL Preview: The Year of Living Dangerously
 
For years, I’ve been accosted in public restrooms by readers demanding to know the formula behind my Power Rankings. Look, I can’t just give this stuff away; it’s the only thing separating me from the unemployment line. And leave me alone in the bathroom!

But I will give you, my loyal readership, a bit of insight into the process. First, I start by matching every player against several national ranking systems. Then I project the starting QB and RBs for each team, rating them based on the sum of the national rankings. Then I project backup QBs and RBs and rank them too. I add a ranking for WRs – no backups though, no one gives a rotting Twinkie for backup WRs – and then two combined rankings: TE/PKs and DP/Def-ST.

But anyone can run a spreadsheet: the real genius comes in the tweaking. I add in the number of Upside roster spots - rookies, first year starters, and players in a new role so different they might as well be first-year starters - and subtract Downside roster spots; players in downgraded roles or who are injury-prone.

Then I add it all up and throw in the critical wildcard factors: which players have the most syllables in their name, what team colors have the highest RGB value, and who is most likely to be featured on an episode of MTV Cribs.

For those of you who take this stuff seriously, don’t worry, I’m kidding about the math part. Really it’s all names and colors and MTV. Now on to the solemn business.

Post Season Award Predictions
  • Most Valuable Player: Shaun Alexander, RB, Seahawks
  • Comeback Player of the Year: Michael Vick, QB, Falcons
  • Rookie of the Year: Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Cardinals: Honorable Mention: Kellen Winslow, TE Browns
  • Biggest First Round Bust: Priest Holmes, RB, Chiefs
  • Best Late Round Value Pick: Brandon Lloyd, WR, 49ers
What does it all mean?
(Cue eerie music. Dramatic pause. Cue Robert Stack voiceover) Call it coincidence if you wish. But many people believe that something unspoken, perhaps something unspeakable, is taking place in DaGFFL:

Unexplained Phenomena #1:  Five teams have one backup player – total – between the four positions of TE, PK, DP, and Def/ST. Four other teams have no backups at all. Even more remarkable, three of those four teams are in the Federation division.

Unexplained Phenomena #2:  Drafting 24 hours apart and using completely unrelated brain cells; the PsyKlones and Bono’s Kuckoos Nest managed to select the exact same pair of quarterbacks.

Play-Oof Predictions

Round 1 Wildcard Weekend
  • Wildcard X-Norwegian Blues defeat Federation runner-up F’ing Koalas
  • Wildcard PsyKlones defeat Klingon runner-up DDTs Goalline Wizzzards
  • Ferengi runner-up Molly Ringwald Fan Club defeats wildcard Bad News Bacteria
  • Romulan runner-up Bono’s Kuckoos Nest defeats wildcard Red Storm Rising
Round 2 Division Championships
  • Federation champ Players From Pluto defeat Norwegian Blues
  • Klingon champ DrunkenFightingIrish defeat PsyKlones
  • Romulan champ Body Count defeats Molly Ringwald Fan Club
  • Bono’s Kuckoos Nest defeats Ferengi champ Boomers
Round 3 Conference Championships
  • Players From Pluto defeat DrunkenFightingIrish
  • Bono’s Kuckoos Nest defeats Body Count
Stupor Bowl
  • Players From Pluto defeat Bono’s Kuckoos Nest

Bonus Toilet Bowl Prediction
  • KAOS Unlimited defeats Mac’s Mighty Maniac Marauders
We, of your ever-diligent Kommish office would like to take this space to take up space in this newsletter. Not having a lot to say but having way too much page space, we find the need to pontificate for at least 500 words or so. Having absolutely no idea of what sort of blithering we are preparing to do here entertains us so highly (and you so little). However, our Faulknerian prose leads us to lampoon Deion Sanders. He, who until recently was positioned in his “dream job” of being on CBS’ NFL Kickoff show, held the aforementioned network for way too much lucre than he was worth and was summarily dismissed. Not standing in the ever-fleeting spotlight he had one choice only…to join the “real world” and play in the NFL again. Signing with the (need to have their heads examined) Baltimore Ravens as a cornerback, we expect to see “Neon” covering NFL receivers like a glove (read that very large, oversize mitten, full of holes, possessed by a homeless person) and maybe tackling someone once this year. Truly the league values this opportunity more than he knows, because each player whom the “mighty mouth” has dissed during his tenure in television, will now be able to communicate their displeasure in a profound and enduring way. And thus justice and fate is served on national television. (240 words, oh well)

Preseason Power Rankings

Get ‘em while they’re hot. Once the season starts, the whole concept of team rankings becomes redundant: that’s why we have “standings”.

1Players From Pluto This Plutonian powerhouse has three players that could each have easily been first round picks. Very few question marks beyond the ancient receivers Brown and Rice – who are not even starters in the first place.
2Body Count Peyton Manning throwing to Marvin Harrison and Terrell Owens. Does it get any better than that? Wait, yes it does, the third WR – Moulds or Charles Rogers – would be starting on any other team. Throw in Upside player Darius Watts and you have something unique. Who cares if they can run the ball?
3DFI Just look at the starting skill players – three rock-solid RBs plus Holt! If Vick has the kind of year that everyone was projecting him to have in 2003, the Inebriated Irish could wrap up the division by November.
4Bono's Kuckoos Nest Excellent receivers, solid starting RBs, plus Ray Lewis to add in the attitude. Not one, but two very positive Upside RBs. If either one comes through, it’ll be a bloody Sunday for the rest of the league.
5Always Surprising PsyKlones Hands down, this is the best PsyKlones draft in years. Very steady WRs, a deep RB list headed by the Deuce, and Upside players everywhere. Only the passer is a question mark.
6F'ing Koalas Somehow, the Koalas managed to create a roster that contains only two predictable players. Other than Steve McNair and Freddie Jones, every single skill position choice is either Upside or injury-prone.
7Boomers A very good team but with little depth. While the sentiment behind the Kurt Warner pick is understandable, he’ll need to catch lightning in a bottle again to justify a pick that might have added a valuable RB or WR backup.
8Molly Ringwald Fan Club My ultimate super-secret plan for a stealth draft: First, I name my team after a girl. Then I pick Champ Bailey in the fourth round. While everyone is still snickering, I quietly and skillfully build a competitive team so well stocked that Jake Delhomme (and for that matter, Bailey) doesn’t even get to start.
9Bad News Bacteria Another solid team, top to bottom. But I’d rank them in the top ten regardless – the team name alone is worth five spots on my list
10Mac's Mighty Maniac Marauders Every year I question this franchise’s picks. And then every year they go deep into the playoffs – unless they just win the whole thing outright. My big question this season involves possible jailbird Jamal Lewis. Which means he’s destined to repeat as the NFL’s leading runner.
11Red Storm Rising Red Storm is rising indeed with a quality starting lineup. One question mark at linebacker (injury) and another at utility player. Will it be a third wide out? Or the fading but historically reliable Emmit Smith?
12X-Norwegian Blues Another team that earns kudos with its name alone, the X-Blues go into 2004 rich everywhere but QB. If Trent Green can find someone to catch the ball, this will be the team that no one wants to face in the playoffs.
13DDT's Goalline Wizzzards The defending league champs are fully reloaded and will threaten again. This may be the best draft in DaGFFL history that began with the first overall pick.
14KAOS Unlimited The team will be made or unmade by three injuries (1) heal the injury to Michael Bennett (2) prevent an injury to Michael Vick and (3) hope for an injury to Stephen Davis so Foster gets some touches.
15Blitzed The lack of hyped names on this team caused it to drop in the rankings. Behind Portis, few players were nationally top-ranked. But forget the numbers for a minute and look at who the players are: steady, reliable, and consistent. Do not take this team lightly.
16Prancing Pigskin Panzies Zack Crockett is a tough guy - certainly not a pansy. Brad Johnson – not a pansy either. Boo Williams, Jamie Sharper, Hines Ward: not a pansy in the bunch. The Chiefs defense? Well, maybe a little pansy.
17Flying Elvis I’m trying to find a good word to use for their roster – I think I’ve beaten “solid” to death – the thesaurus is giving me “frozen”, “unyielding”, and “concrete”. Pick one.
18Disciplinary Action Priest Holmes. Corey Dillon. Chris Brown. Now read that again, and imagine that you are the poor opposing team that has to try and match up with these guys. Yikes.
19Highly Paid Dumb Guys I must have blacked out somewhere around team #15, because I’m finding myself here at HPDG and I’m staring at two tight ends without having the slightest clue as to who they might be. A. Gates? E. Kinney? Why don’t I know them? Am I still conscious?
20A. S. Sofa Kings Somebody has to be last, Sofa Kings, no reason to take it personally. You’ve got a great QB, a great WR, and RBs with lots and lots of Upside. You’ll be just fine. I promise.
 
Around the League
Trophy Abuse (Editorial)

Mr. Dave Tumbleson of the defending champion DDT’s Goalline Wizzzards staggered in to draft night a full 30 minutes late, bearing a bedraggled look and an even more bedraggled Worlds Ugliest Trophy™.

According to the quickly set-upon Mr. Tumbleson, his lateness was trophy related: “I had to go back and get it”, implying that he had somehow managed to forget about this all-important FFL award. As if such a thing were even thinkable.

Far worse than the timing of his arrival, the trophy itself appeared to have been trampled by the rampaging cast of Riverdance on steroids. The poor, non-offending prize is all-akimbo, disheveled pieces everywhere, pointing in every which direction. According to Mr. Tumbleson, “it just fell off”.

We would like to give Mr. Tumbleson the benefit of the doubt in this matter. However, the Worlds Ugliest Trophy™ is not to be trifled with, not even by accident. The Office of the Kommissioner has assessed a $2.00 fine to Mr. Tumbleson. The editors of this newsletter are in heartfelt agreement with the spirit of this fine. The fact that the editors are also Kommissioners has nothing to do with this concord of principle.

NFL Note of the Week

TV host?! Are you kidding me? TV host?! I'll be lucky to get another mention in this newsletter.
The following is actual text, taken in context and in entirety from an NFL press release:

Coachspeak, a live whip-around show featuring the Monday press conferences of NFL head coaches, premieres September 13 from 3:00 PM – 5:00 PM ET.

The show will air every Monday during the NFL season at 3:00 PM ET. Fans will hear from NFL head coaches directly as they conduct press conferences at their team headquarters.

Jim Mora Sr. will be the lead analyst on Coachspeak, providing the insight of a former NFL head coach well versed in the language of “coach speak.”

Jim Mora? JIM MORA??!! We can only assume that "coachspeak" consists mainly of the word "bleep"
Like We Could Make This Up


On Youth (Part 1)

Tampa Bay general manager Bruce Allen scoffs at critics who point out his team's age factor"I think age is a meaningless number as long as you're productive," Allen said. "It's all about production, I've seen some old guys at 24, but I've seen some really young guys at 34. What we've done is less of a risk when it's players you have some history with, or players you've done your research on.

So which category was Darrell Russell? Oh wait, we know - historical

On Doing What Your Told

Darius Watts, Broncos wide receiver, when asked if he's happy about his sterling preseason performance: "I just wanted to come out here and play and make plays for them," Watts said. "They ain't told me to be happy yet."

This is a young man that could go far

On Wanting to Win


Jon Gruden answering questions about this year's crop of Buccaneer free agents: "...when you have the cap problems that we've had, and have had to give up picks in compensation and in trades, you have to do what you've got to do. We're going to try and do everything we can to win. If we don't have the money, maybe we can sell ourselves and sell our souls to get some guys in here. I don't know what's wrong with that."

You still have a soul? Is that allowed in the NFL?

On Youth Part 2


Marty Schottenheimer characterizes the coming season in which he will be coaching a team of unknown newcomers: "With a group of young guys," he says, "sometimes you look into their eyes and all you see are the backs of their heads."

When you look into Marty's eyes you can hear the seashore